What Do You Want To Do?
I met up with an old friend, Lazarus of Good Man Wellness, recently because our semi-professional work in the wellness industry intersect. We caught up over coffee and had a wide-ranging discussion about the challenges we each overcame to become better men without being defined by what we do. We agreed that one of the most damaging questions asked of young people is: “what do you want to do with your life?” It goes unacknowledged just how much pressure is applied each time that question is asked because the honest answer for the majority is: “I don’t know,” and yet, that is precisely the answer that is not permitted. We must have a plan, some idea of what we want for our future of how we’ll be productive members of society, but that question directs a person to weigh external factors of success far too heavily. Who they wish to be and how they wish to go about life is weighted less, and often overlooked completely.
What we do becomes the most important thing about us. What we produce, the measure of our worth. When the world inevitably goes sideways and what we do is lost, we suffer a double hit to our identity and our worth.
This is why I give permission to young people to confidently state: “I don’t know.” It’s not the admission of guilt our educational system has imprinted on students, nor is it a reflection of poor character to not have a plan. The mark of an educated mind is knowing when you don’t know something, and it’s a mark of exceptional self-understanding to acknowledge when you aren’t in a place to chart a path because you don’t know what you want.
But we’re so focused on answers and doing we forget about the importance of being.
I changed careers at 31. Frightening? Sure, but somehow less so than falling into a career that I was quite good at, but never happy. I could do all the good work, but something was still missing. Which is why I think I spent months in hospitals while on leave from my old jobs, and haven’t yet needed a mental health day in my new work in over a year. I asked myself who I was and how I wanted to live, and then asked what would support my personal growth.
This is the opposite of how I had been taught and how we expect decisions from young people transitioning into adulthood. We ask:
What do you want to do?
Only after that question is answered are they asked: “Who do you want to be, and how do you want to live?” The least important and most fragile aspect of a person’s life — what they do — gets center stage, while the most important and stabilizing aspects of life — who they are and how they wish to live — mere side characters in the play. It’s an upside-down pyramid that Lazarus and I used to perpetuate, until we couldn’t.
Along vastly different, yet parallel, paths, he and I discovered that when we put “who” and “how” first, the “what” took care of itself. This blog and my work with Mental Agility is a stabilizing force in my life. It is impossible for me to take my work home with me like it used to be, so my days off give me time to go deeper into who I am and how I want to live. If you’re curious about dipping your toe into those waters, I highly recommend the following books: