I detest asking for help. A shortcoming that has hampered me in schooling, as well as my personal and professional lives. I’m not sure where I got the idea that I should be good at everything, and, failing that, at least capable of becoming good at anything. I am still quite upset that I permitted myself to fall back into a depression; as if I chose to be unable to drive to work or to take care of the basic daily necessities of my life. I hate being on disability, and I dislike being confined to a residential facility. I miss feeling capable.

I referee because refereeing allows me to keep the attitude of a student. I did not always have that mindset. Some “old bull” mentors of mine knocked sense into my young, stubborn skull at important points of my career. As I learned to become a better, more capable referee, I must work to become a better, more capable depressive. Which starts, paradoxically, with being more vulnerable.

• Accept what has happened.

• Do not add unnecessary judgments to my experiences.

• Treat myself with a degree of kindness that I would offer to a close friend.

Funny, I became a much better official when I gave up my need to be right all the time. Perhaps I can live more kindly with depression by giving up the guilt and shame I experience by not always doing things 100% right in my mind. Basically, I need to work on cutting myself some slack on a much more regular basis.

As of this morning I’m cycling onto a new medication and I’m a day away from my sixth ECT treatment. Both of which should drastically improve my thinking and mood when coupled with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and my personal studies into philosophy. In researching how to be more vulnerable, I came across this excellent TEDx Talk by Brene Brown. I can appreciate her reported aggravation in discovering that the data on vulnerability meant she had to completely re-frame her worldview. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working to reach a more peaceful place in my mind and that starts with being more gentle toward myself.