The treatment team wanted me to stay in residential for 4-6 more weeks. I disagreed.

I’m grateful to live in a country where I am not forced to be treated when I am no longer inclined to be treated. I hoped to switch to day treatment at the center I was staying at the past week, but the treatment team did not feel like that decision was in my best interest. Part of me agreed with them, and a larger part of me told them, politely, to stuff it.

I wish I had realized how much I detest residential treatment programs. Not that they aren’t beneficial, but I’ve had some intense life experiences where I was not permitted to leave despite having my full faculties intact. Those feelings of angst were getting in the way of the treatment program, which I was attempting to follow to the best of my abilities. Now, I am pursuing a day-treatment option at a different center closer to home.

I’ll get to stay in my new apartment, which is coming along quite nicely. Plus, I will be able to continue work on my book with my ergonomic keyboard and large monitor. Quite the improvement from writing in a composition notebook, and transferring those words to Google Drive through my phone.

Ultimately, I had to make a decision that was better in the long-term for me. Despite having a mental illness, that does not mean that my ideas or desires for treatment are colored grey by the depression. I spent the past week advocating for myself with my treatment team, and wanting a return to semi-normal life. I do not begrudge them for advocating against my wishes. Often, the slow way is the safe way, but I have lived with my depression for longer than they knew me, and I know it inside and out. I need the flexibility to cook my own food, write in my own space, take care of my cat, sleep in my bed, and to attend to my mental health needs though day treatment.

Encouragingly, I discovered Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) through this treatment center, which is a fascinating way of looking at the world. It does not come easily to me, and I’ll write about it here because I feel it may be even more valuable to those reading than Cognitive Behavior Therapy because it trains the mind to see experiences as more grey. My mind wants to separate every experience into neat, black and white categories, but that is not how life works. It’s a mess of contradictions, and DBT helps to integrate those contradictions into daily life more seamlessly.

Crisis Safety Plan

For any parents who read my blog, here is my latest safety plan. This tool is used for the benefit of a client in treatment, as well as their loved ones, to identify what might set them off into thoughts of self-harm. Writing warning signs down is valuable to everyone involved because it means everyone is looking out for the same issues, and can better work for the long-term health of the client.

• Triggers:

  • Arguments with family.

  • Remaining in bed for more than 12 hours.

  • Thoughts about not wanting to be alive.

• Warning signs:

  • Isolation.

  • Not replying to family and friends via text or phone.

  • Either overeating or under-eating.

  • Not writing.

• Internal Coping Strategies:

  • Exercise, walk

  • Hot shower

  • Read on couch

• People whom I can ask for help or to provide distraction:

  • Family Members - in person.

  • Friends - via phone.

• What gives me hope:

  • Staying involved in the things that I enjoy such as learning about philosophy, and thinking about goals for the future such as finishing my degree and pursuing a Master’s.

• Making the environment safer:

  • No access to weapons and firearms.

  • Keep only a week’s worth of medications. The remainder stay with my parents.