Much of my day is spent waiting for the next moment. Whether it’s waiting for a therapy session to start or a class to begin, my recovery at this residential center is mostly spent waiting. Those that know me know that I’m impulsive. I don’t put out an impulsive vibe, but I’d much rather have the thing now than wait for it. Who wouldn’t want to possess what they want now?

Impulse control is one of the major areas of living that I’m re-learning.

I have to demonstrate the ability to delay gratification because that will show my caretakers that I will not try to hurt myself if a self-harm idea enters my mind. So far, I haven’t. Credit to the ECT and the therapeutic environment. Still, it’s annoying living in a group home. At least I’m able to talk with my friends and hear how real life is going. If didn’t have that outlet, I might actually go crazy.

I want to be in day treatment as soon as humanely possible, which means I probably should stay in residency for longer than I feel is necessary. I’d like to be in my own apartment and cooking my own food, but I think I have a few weeks to go before I earn that freedom. Maybe I’ll be out by Christmas, but I’m mentally preparing myself for another couple weeks of sleeping in a bed that is not my own.

I’m trying to remind myself that the time and expense of all this care is worth it, but it’s strange to think that because one key symptom of depression is a lack of self-worth. Instead of focusing on my last day in residency, I’m keeping my focus on the single day in front of me. So far it’s working, but I am worried about all the parts of my life that I cannot manage while I’m in here. Bills, work, animal care, etc. all the parts and parcels of adult life that I cannot attend, but that I know are piling up. Got to focus on what I can manage - myself, and hope for the best.