Being an official, I am intimate with failure. Being a depressive, I am exquisitely attuned to feelings of guilt and shame. You might think that being a depressed official would overwhelm my mind, and lead me down into dark thickets of unwell thoughts.

You’d be wrong.

As I said in my 2019 Referee Voices presentation at the National Association for Sports Officials (NASO) Conference in Spokane:

Depression and anxiety give me superpowers — there is nothing anyone can say to me that I haven’t already said to myself.

Something will go wrong during a game. Someone will shout a mean-spirited retort. I will, most definitely, make a mistake. From the outside officiating looks like one of those avocations that would more likely cause depression than help battle it. For me, officiating is a powerful tool to wield against the dual threats of depression and anxiety.

So what do I do now that precautions against COVID-19 has swept a lacrosse season out from under my feet? As my mentors were at pains to remind me: “The next play. It’s all about the next play.” I am not sure when I will be able to get back onto the lacrosse field again. I feel it is highly unlikely that any high school lacrosse will be played in Georgia later this spring, and I’m also certain that the summer tournament circuit is going to take a significant hit.

I must face facts, the activity I was most looking forward to while I was in treatment is not going to be a realistic option until possibly the fall. That does not sit well with me, and I am upset. I had a good few days where I was pissed off at the world and bemoaning a lost season. But one can only do that for so long before you start recycling the same reasons — I must focus on the next play.

My difficulty is that I no longer have my preferred outlet. My break from the rigors of daily living. Several thousands of officials, across nearly every sport, are in the exact same boat as me, and we’re all trying to figure out how to navigate life without our favorite sport. Here are some tips from a depressive introvert that may help:

• Externalize your negative thoughts

  • Rumination is the worst in the best of times, and it’s absolutely draining during difficult times. When you feel your mind getting away from you with negative commentary, try thinking of those thoughts in the voice of a fictional enemy.

  • Instead of listening to “you’ll never get anything done,” in your own voice, replace that voice! Suddenly that statement can be dismissed by thinking: “Oh that’s just Karen’s opinion!”

• Expect that your mind and body won’t know what’s happening

  • I’ve taken naps at 11:30, 2, and 4:30PM on some days. All the usual triggers that tell my mind and body that it’s time to work, or, it’s time for lunch are gone. I find myself hungry at odd hours, and full of energy at unusual times. That is because we’re all experiencing life a little differently. Be patient. Our brains like patterns, having to learn new patterns takes cognitive effort, which is why you might get super tired at random points during the day. Go with it, and respect your mind and body’s need to rest.

• Do a physical thing outside

  • I’m not saying go run a marathon, or do three dozen burpees in the grass. I’m saying move your body and view nature. If it’s a miserably wet, cold, and awful day just open the front door, step across the threshold and drink your morning coffee/tea. I live next to the Chattahoochee, and it’s delightful to be able to walk down to the riverbank and just stare at the water for a few minutes. When you take breaks from working, do yourself a favor and take a few of them for a stroll around your neighborhood.

• Find a distraction that isn’t COVID-19 related

  • Great part about being an official? Getting to run away from an angry coach because the play moves to the other end of the field. Coach has to coach, and I have to ref, and we get some space from each other. Same principle can be applied to distraction while quarantined. I see a lot of friends doing puzzles, playing board games, and reading. Since I live alone and all non-essential stores are shut down, I’m limited to my Playstation. I’ve had a blast getting lost in a game’s world and not thinking about the real world I’m living in for a short time.

  • These aren’t really distractions - they are necessities to maintaining our sanity when the world is, as a friend of mine put it: “a dumpster fire”. Life outside our homes may be surreal, but we can keep a little sanity by focusing our mind on small distractions.

To keep officials from carrying the weight of an incorrect call for the remainder of the quarter, observers will often use a physical tic such as miming flushing a toilet, or brushing lint off their shoulder. It tells the observed official that, yes, that was a mistake, we still need to keep officiating because the next play demands it, and we’ll talk about it when the time is right. This helps prevent an official from snowballing, and it’s a useful mindset to bring forward when dealing with setbacks in work and life with social distancing.

Brush it off, let it go, attend to the present moment. Some days will be easier than others, just as some games are easier than others, and it is always our responsibility to focus on the next play.