I constantly look out for the word “should”. More often than not, “should” is a damaging word when used in one’s own internal dialogue, and is typically used by others to shame and denigrate a person not living up to nebulous ideals or expectations.

Fifteen years ago, my therapist startled me with a gentle reprimand: “Gordon, please stop shoulding all over yourself.” I had become so accustomed to berating myself for not doing something well enough or perfect enough that I didn’t realize how pervasive that word had become in my inner vocabulary:

• I should have made Dean’s List.

• I should be further along in life by now.

• I shouldn’t have to deal with depression.

So many should’s. So much added weight to my psyche. So many expectations left unfulfilled.

I find the etymology of “should” indicative of how it is most often used — “1200, from Old English sceolde, past tense of sceal (see shall). Preserves the original notion of ‘obligation’ that has all but dropped from shall.” I’m struck by the Old English word “sceolde” and how similar it is to “scold” in our modern tongue. Think back on all the times you heard someone say “should,” and I’ll venture that it wasn’t meant to praise an individual. It is almost exclusively used in a negative fashion, which is why it is a dangerous word for depressives and anyone looking to develop a more positive outlook.

Now I am much more selective about my use of this word. I rarely permit it to sound an alarm in my mind. Instead, I replace it with the word “need”. This accomplishes two feats simultaneously. One, I am forced to reconsider if I truly need to perform an action or not. Two, replacing “should” with “need” helps me maintain a close eye on my inner-dialogue. This check in my language helps me battle the negative tone of my depressed thoughts and anxious ideas.

I am especially on the lookout for other people telling me whether I should or should not do something. I can almost always disregard this type of criticism unless it is specific to a task I want to do better, and I believe that the person has my best interests at heart. To the people who tell me I should be this or I should be that, I smile, nod, and mentally tell them to pound sand.

The picture of the man speaking with a guru illustrates my point more humorously. In my estimation, my depression is a fool when it critiques me with “should” statements. Other people, usually online, have a habit of typing these same statements. I consider my thoughts and those individuals one and the same, and treat their statements accordingly — I’ll acknowledge what is said, and then keep my own counsel.

I’ll end this post with an invitation for you to notice when you and others use the word “should”. You’ll notice that is it said without much thought for the other person, and usually to make the critic feel superior. Do not fall for that trap with other people or your own thoughts. Acknowledge the statement/thought, smile, and then go about your business with grace.