Disqualifying the Positive
If ever there was a learned cognitive distortion, “disqualifying the positive” is a perfect example. It is also the most common distortion I hear from young people.
I was struck by a young woman obsessed about achieving a “Perfect, Perfect” on every scored examination. Not familiar with the term, I asked her to define it. “A ‘perfect, perfect’ is getting a 100% on the exam plus correct answers on all the bonus questions.”
As a perfectionist, this statement spoke to me, and as a recovering perfectionist, I was dismayed that a high school sophomore could carry such a burden. Since when was 100% not good enough? Impressively, this young woman was fully aware about how absurd and unsustainable this thinking was, but she was unable to rid herself of the desire to achieve a bullseye within a bullseye on every exam in every subject she studied. A “Perfect, Perfect” is the perfect example on how we easily disqualify the positive in our lives.
I enjoy tattoos, and my sleeve is a personal mark that I live with, and succeed in the face of my depression.
Isn’t it strange how happiness doesn’t leave a mark? Pain, loss, trauma — these all leave corresponding physical or emotional scars. We say that scars can tell a person’s story, but scars only tell the most hurtful part of a story. There is no scar for happiness, no laceration for positivity, and certainly no golden halo for achievement. Maybe if there was, we would be more inclined to remember the happier moments of our lives.
Quick challenge — What’s the most memorable single event of your life? I’m willing to bet that your mind dredged a painful memory into your consciousness with relative ease. If your wedding or the birth of a child comes first, then I am happy for you, and I’m also willing to bet that the second or third most memorable single event of your life is something rather traumatic. Why?
Pain teaches.
There are no happy memories of not putting a hand on a hot stove. There are only extremely vivid memories of the pain caused by wondering what those bright, red coils felt like. Failing an exam should sting a bit. That is a motivator to not experience that feeling a second time, but getting a 70% is not failing, and neither is not getting 101%. We must deal with the fact that our minds prioritize the negative because negative experiences cause pain, and pain needs to be remembered in order to forge a life that minimizes pain.
Disqualifying the positive is a cognitive distortion that takes this useful evolutionary adaptation to dangerous environments and warps the benefits to make life an unending attempt to hurdle an ever-heightening bar of performance.
Didn’t get 100%? That means I’m not good enough.
Discounts all the points you did earn.
Didn’t get that job after the interview? I must not be a qualified candidate.
Discounts every other job out there, and that you must’ve been qualified enough to reach the interview stage.
Didn’t get a second date? I must not be lovable.
Discounts every other person out there, and the fact that you got a first date!
The other sinister aspect of this type of thinking is that it makes it nearly impossible to accept a compliment. Instead of accepting praise for your work or your behavior in a difficult situation, a person with this distortion assumes some nefarious plot behind the compliment. Taking all the joy out of the external validation and reinforcing the mistaken belief that everyone has hidden motives behind their nice actions.
As a lacrosse referee, I run into this often. Sometimes, the game-within-a-game between the coach and the referee involves some “buttering up.” I’ll meet the coach in the pre-game and they’ll say something like: “Wow, really glad to see you. It’s nice to have a solid ref for this game.” Referee training teaches that these types of comments are usually a coach trying to work you early in order to get a call late. Be the nice coach and the official may be more inclined to be nice back. Does this work? Not really. I don’t have the time during a game to reference a coach’s pleasant pre-game behavior while running to catch up to a speeding seventeen year old. I used to disqualify those comments, and now I take them for face value. Why not? I’ve worked hard to become a capable referee. Might as well enjoy a compliment on my own terms and not make up an unnecessary story that diminishes my hard work.
We must do a better job teaching young people about how to recognize distorted thinking like disqualifying the positive, and we need to challenge them when they make statements that don’t take the rest of their life into account. So what if you got a 75% on a single math test in the ninth grade? Could at least one adult tell that kid that that test will have zero bearing on the rest of their life? Or are we going to keep pressuring kids to pressure themselves to reach unattainable performance goals, many of which won’t have any effect on their future quality of life?
This is why I tell middle and high schoolers to spend more time studying the subjects they enjoy compared to the ones that are a slog. Shoot for their best performances in the subjects they have a passion for, and maintain a reasonable batting average on the other subjects. I could write history papers that knocked the socks off my teachers with minimal effort, but I couldn’t tell you how to find a definite integral function in my calculus class without lots of extra help from my teachers. I worked to get barely passing grades in math, while earning excellent grades in history. Somehow they averaged out and I still managed to get into several colleges. Life didn’t implode with a failed exam.
If this article speaks to you then I encourage you to do a short activity right now, and at the end of each school or working day. Verbally state, or write down, three things that you did satisfactorily today. You’ll be surprised how good you feel after acknowledging your efforts, even if you regard the tasks as inconsequential. Here’s an example from my day yesterday to help guide you:
I refilled the engine coolant on the utility truck.
I got to watch a sunrise for 20 minutes.
I practiced installing hot legs on a 25kva transformer.
Make a record of the things you do that generate good internal feelings, and you’ll combat the negative voice that wants to take all the joy out of your accomplishments.
Want to learn more about Cognitive Distortions and how Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Works? Check out these links: