While learning different therapies to better treat my depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation, I inadvertently became a student of language. First, in a therapeutic sense: how I speak to myself. Second, in a social sense: how I speak to others. Finally, in a curious sense: how language affects how I think.

I grew up pairing my feelings with my identity because that is how the English language works. It is perfectly fine to say: “I’m depressed,” or “I am panicked.” In almost two decades of talk therapy I learned to insert the word “feel” into these sentences: “I feel depressed,” and “I feel panicked.” These tiny insertions create distance from the sensation I’m trying to describe and who I am as a person. There is a common refrain in group therapy sessions: “You are not your illness.” When someone says “I’m depressed,” inevitably the group leader will pause and ask the client to rephrase their statement to something like: “Right now, I feel depressed,” or “I am experiencing depression.” Growing the distance between who a person is and how a person feels is essential to long-term recovery.

I can easily confirm that all of my slides into depressive episodes started with confabulating myself with my feelings. Recently, I’ve been struck by the idea that my difficulties with depression might not just be because of my DNA, or poor coping mechanisms, but partly due to the language of my birth.

“Mir geht’s ausgezeichnet” is a German phrase that means “I’m excellent,” though it more literally translates to “To me it goes excellent.” Now I’ve been having too much fun messing with my co-workers by answering their morning, “how’s it going” with “Mir geht’s ausgezeichnet,” and while I get some perplexed looks I am simultaneously reminding myself that studying German helps me separate myself from my feelings.

No, that isn’t the correct description. Perhaps a more accurate description is that I’m learning to distinguish myself from my feelings. It’s one thing to say: “I’m bad” and quite another to say: “To me it goes bad.” Okay, the sentence structure feels weird to English speakers but the point is evident — by explaining my feelings as distinct from myself, I’m less likely to identify as that feeling. I may be depressed but I’m not Gordon Depression Corsetti, I’m Gordon Corsetti going along with depression.

A German person would not say: “Ich bin schlecht,” “I am bad.” They would say “Mir geht’s schlecht,” or: “To me it’s going bad(ly).” I love that as I learn German I also learn about myself. It is difficult to change any mindset or behavior without some contrast, and I used to think that I was stuck with how I spoke to myself and I’d always need to be vigilant against the words my mind would cast against me. Now, I think that if I can get conversational in German I just may be able to shirk off the English phrases that I’ve come to identify with so painfully.

Below you can watch a video from one of my older workshops where I encouraged coaches to help their players speak to themselves more positively. There is a place for self-criticism, but that is not the only mode of operation and too much criticism is acidic to the soul. Trouble is, at least in the English-speaking world, the very way our sentences are constructed makes it far too easy for us to feel that we are our emotions and not that we are experiencing our emotions. The sooner we can teach younger people this vital information, the more resilient and capable they will become. If you would like for the coaches in your organization to learn this and other Mental Agility skills to help develop healthier minds for their players, please click the button below.