I’m not sure how to word this. Though writing is my primary means of self-therapy I must step away from it until at least the new year. This is for two reasons. First, to mix metaphors: I enjoy making lemonade out of lemons with my depression but I’ve found myself standing too close to a live wire lately. Second, I’ve been in the hospital the past two weeks due to a deep and painful fall into depression. What the doctors like to call an “acute depressive episode”. While in the hospital I didn’t talk to family, friends, or work for nearly a week as I allowed shame to consume me.

• “I know better.”

• “This happened again?”

• “No way that I can recover from yet another fall so soon after another one.”

These were the thoughts that ate away at whatever remaining self-confidence I had. Eventually, treatments, medication, and the structure of the psych ward all combined to let me think somewhat clearly. I called my loved ones. We planned out more care options for after my discharge. I also started Ketamine as a twice-a-week treatment.

For the regular readers of my blog the expectation would be a plunge into just what in the world an anesthetic with hallucinogenic effects is meant to do against the vagaries of depression and suicidal thinking. I really wish I could, but I just don’t have the bandwidth. When I come back though, I’ll tell you all about it.

What this means is that I’ve cleared my speaking calendar through the end of 2022. I’ll reassess my availability after I complete some additional outpatient programs and my ketamine treatments. That said, I’m honoring commitments made for 2023 speaking engagements.

So, I’m going to figure out how to better prevent myself from hurting myself, how to involve my loved ones in my care more substantially, and, lastly, ensure my Mental Agility work doesn’t negatively impact my own mental health.