It finally happened! After years of hearing that I could pull myself up by my bootstraps, I managed to do just that. While digging around some existing underground utilities I found myself unable to lift my right foot out of a waterlogged hole. Fortunately, my other foot was on higher ground and that allowed me the necessary leverage to pull up on my bootstraps until I freed myself. Once free, I realized what I had done and laughed border-line hysterically. My crew had no idea what was so funny, but I had a cathartic release of emotions after managing to do what generations of people have assumed was the only real way to recover from mental illness.

• “Just think happy thoughts.”

• “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your life.”

• “Come on, other people have it so much worse that you.”

I’ve written about the first and third items on this list of absurdities, but never the second. I found it easier to attack the illogic inherent in telling a suicidal person to just think happy or telling an addict that they should be able to recover because their life isn’t so bad. I kept running into the same problem when I wanted to attack the phrase “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” because I believed in my own misconceptions. Since I was first diagnosed with depression I’ve wanted to pull myself out of it entirely on my own and without any consideration for the realities of the situation.

It is preposterous to pull yourself up by your bootstraps physically. Gravity is a thing.

It is equally nonsensical to pull yourself out of depression by thinking exclusively. The thoughts are the problem.

I researched this now-ubiquitous phrase and was surprised to discover that its original meaning had been twisted over the years. It was meant to illustrate the impossibility of accomplishing a ludicrous task. A textbook in the 1800s asked if a man could pull himself over a fence by pulling up on his bootstraps. Answer? No. But the phrase goes back even further to a story from 1781 by German author Rudolf Erich Raspe who wrote The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchhausen. After wading into a swamp, the good Baron thinks quickly and pulls himself and his horse out of the mud by pulling on his own hair.

This far-fetched tale even made its way into the annals of philosophical thought via the Munchhausen Trilemma. A stripped-down version of which states that there is no way to make progress when there is no solid footing. This is unassailable logic and the keystone to effective recovery from mental illness.

Then came the 1920s and 30s and The Great Depression. After public confidence in the markets and the government crashed along with the economy, workers leaned more heavily on individual perseverance as the only trustworthy means of making it. One could be a bum or be industrious. You could languish about on the streets or you could gather your resolve, bend over, and pull yourself up by your bootstraps into a better life.

This phrase pairs nicely with the idea of the individual hero. Someone who accomplishes the most difficult, nay impossible, tasks without any outside help. Problem is, that idea is a greater myth than every myth put to paper. Gilgamesh had Enkidu. Beowulf had Wiglaf. Harry had Hermione and Ron. Even Jesus Christ had help from Simon to carry his cross!

We foolishly expect heroes to act on their own even when we know that our favorite ones had help along the way. We know this, and yet we expect no assistance for ourselves. We hold ourselves to an even higher standard than our most venerated heroes, real or mythological. Then we perpetuate our own misguided ideals and demand this solitary ability from our family, our friends, and, worse, the next generation.

I long ago lost count of the number of times a parent or a coach told a player: “it all depends on you!” I’ve overheard variations of that comment for twenty years of coaching and officiating lacrosse. It continues to astound me that we can venerate team goals while simultaneously undercutting the message with individual pressure. No wonder our young people report higher and higher levels of stress and fear of the future. An astonishing quote comes from psychologist Robert Leahy: “The average high school kid today has the same level of anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the early 1950s.” The start of this problem was identified in studies from the 1980s and the trend has not abated since.

We are not telling ourselves the entire story. Baron Munchhausen never pulled himself out of the swamp by his hair. Achilles never fights Hector if his mother hadn’t dipped him into the river Styx as a boy. I could not have pulled myself out of that watery hole if both my boots had been stuck. I had solid footing with one foot. A place where I could put 100% of my weight while I yanked up on my bootstraps until that force overcame the suction.

I tried repeatedly to get out of depression by myself. I failed and brushed close with death several times before unwillingly giving up the idea of doing it solo. I needed people. We all do. So, if we’re going to tell the next generation to pull themselves up by their bootstraps to improve their lot in life, let’s be more honest with them that we’ve been with ourselves — It’s possible to pull yourself up one foot at a time, so long as you have the foundational support of people that care for you.