“Remember, it is not enough to be hit or insulted to be harmed, you must believe you are being harmed. If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation. Which is why it is essential that we not respond impulsively to impressions; take a moment before reacting, and you will find it easier to maintain control.”

- Epictetus, Enchiridion

The most challenging aspect of mental illness to me is how I sound to myself. It’s one thing to ignore someone shouting insults at me while I ref a competition. It’s quite another to prevent damage from my own voice when I’m insulting myself in the wee hours of the morning because I haven’t yet accomplished all I expected.

I have an unusually large amount of practice managing insults from other peoples. As a referee I am acutely aware of just how awful people can be when I see something a little bit differently. Thing is, I’d take all the fans that ever yelled at me over the internal dialogue I maintain while in a depression. Other voices can be ignored, but my own voice cuts through every barrier to strike me at my weakest moments.

“Man is made or unmade by himself. In the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself. He also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace.”

- James Allen, As a Man Thinketh

Mr. Allen is spot-on. My mind regularly unmakes itself. Whether I’m laying in bed thinking about how atrocious my life is compared to how I think it should be, or if I take some action on the job and it doesn’t go quite right — I am able to tear myself to pieces in the voice I know most intimately: my own.

I have a hard time with my own thoughts, especially these past few weeks. I’ve been in the ER, on the psych ward, and in the group therapy room. Now that I’m slowly coming out of my most recent depression thanks to ECT and some new mood stabilizing medication I am forced to reckon with how I’ve been thinking. Newsflash, it is not good.

I’ve been finding all sorts of ways to insult my role as a son, a brother, a boyfriend, an employee, and even just playing video games. Even that is grist for the mill, but I’m slowly getting out of such damaged thinking. I’m deeply grateful for everyone who has reached out to offer their words of encouragement to counter my self-insults. Your comments have meant the world, and I don’t think I’d be getting through this bout of depression as smoothly without your assistance.

As it often does, philosophy helps me gather my thoughts. Click on Designing the Mind by Ryan Bush below to read what I’m reading: