I am challenging myself to memorize the following passage from the Stoic philosopher Epictetus:

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own.”

If I were to distill ten years worth of therapy into a few sentences, it would be that quote. Much of what I’ve talked about in group and individual therapy centered around what I could control and what I couldn’t. Much of the pain that I’ve experienced has come from an inability to properly discern between the two.

Having this quote in my mind, accessible at any time, will aid me in my course of treatment while at this residential facility. I need the reminder that I cannot control everything in my life, and that, at minimum, I can control my reaction to whatever happens to me. The trouble I’ve found myself in is that I’ve gotten away from the things that help me. Namely exercise, breath work, yoga, and writing.

So along with memorizing that passage by Epictetus, I will reintroduce Wim Hof breathing into my morning routine along with cold showers. These additions back into my daily routine might help boost the therapy that I’m receiving from the counselors, nurses, and group leaders here. It won’t be easy. I got away from these practices because they were tough to do every day, but I’ve come to realize that my mind needs to perform these actions regularly if I am to have any chance of maintaining a semblance of control over my depression.

I refuse to give control over to the dark little part of my brain that wants the worst for me. I’ll do the therapy as well as I can, but I will do it with the mind of a philosopher - I’ll try to learn what I can from my illness and control what I can control.