Sickness: Depression's Unhelpful Side-kick

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“You shouldn’t give circumstances the power to rouse anger, for they don’t care at all.” – Marcus Aurelius.

Despite my concerted efforts, I remain ill. When I’m not nauseous, I’m dizzy. When I’m not dizzy, I’m nauseous. When I’m neither, I cough, but it’s more like a self-exorcism.

There is a masochistic side of me that enjoys being physically sick. On these occasions, I am fighting something that most people have experienced and understand on some level. Much easier for a friend to relate about hacking up half a lung, than it is for a friend to know what it is like to be immobilized by panic.

@nathanwpyle - These comics are one of the best parts of my day.

@nathanwpyle - These comics are one of the best parts of my day.

Whatever bug I caught is resistant to all the Day and Nyquil, Mucinex, Vapo Rub, hot bird water, ice cream, saunas, showers, and naps. Now, I am at the point where this bug is impacting my mental wellbeing.

Normally, I write well. At the moment, I’m not sure if I’m stitching together coherent sentences. My brain feels foggy and sluggish.

My apologies if none of this post makes sense.

Writing about my depressive and anxious experience helps me bounce back to a more optimal state of mind. Not sure if I can apply the same technique to a physical illness; my immune system seems immune, hah, to applications of logical thought.

The depressed corner of my mind wants me to list and agonize over all the things I was unable to do or finish this week; all the people I let down by not being physically able to do more than maintain my balance while standing. I’ve done enough depressed thinking over the last few days. Time to list some gratitudes:

  • My body is waging war against billions of tiny invaders! Good job body.

  • I have access to more songs than I could ever listen to. The harsh and truthful melodies of Merkules are what I need right now.

  • I organized the structure of my NASO Summit presentation!

  • Mom’s been checking in on me - mom is awesome.

  • Dark Age releases soon!

  • My sister’s tumor remnant was benign!

Ok. Brain fog is getting denser. I’m turning in for the evening.

Be well.