Falling Behind

This concept that all of us, especially children, are falling behind needs to be relegated to the trash heap of terrible ideas. “Falling behind” — according to whom? Parents? Maybe. Familial expectations? Possibly. Cultural norms? Perhaps. With my background in athletics, I tend to view life through the lens of sport.

In lacrosse, there are advancement rules governing how quickly a team must bring the ball to a particular area or take a valid shot. If the timer runs out the ball goes to the other team.

In football, if a team does not snap the ball within the allotted time between plays, they are forced to go backward.

In mixed martial arts, if there isn’t any ground action after a few minutes, a referee will stand the fighters up.

Heck, there is even a timer in snooker!

All of these rules are meant to breed more action. More action equals more excitement. Which leads to an endless loop of finding ways to make the sport go even faster. This mentality has bled into our culture, or perhaps our culture has bled into our sports. Either way, it’s an oddly human characteristic to desire speed and outcomes in all aspects of life. What other animal pursues speed for leisure? Dolphins come to mind, but speed (either running away from a predator or running toward prey) is almost exclusively used to survive from one moment to the next. Perhaps our fight or flight response has been channeled into our lives by comparing where we are in life to others.

Go right from high school to college, graduate in 4 years, promoted by 25, a family and a house before 35, retired by 60. Minor deviations from these milestones are tolerated, but certainly not encouraged. The outliers that shun these life markers are only celebrated if they achieve success: Gates, Jobs, Monroe, etc. Those like Mauro Morandi, are practically unknown despite having found their measure of peace in this world.

I am not suggesting that everyone pack up and find their own private island, however there is something to be said for bucking convention. I’ve met hundreds of students who are genuinely freaked-out if they fail to meet an academic goal or don’t make an all-star team. Parents are doing no favors for the upcoming generation by constantly favoring action over considered thought. If I were to do my life after high school all over again, I certainly take a gap year before college. By virtue of living in a pandemic everyone has taken half a gap year already. For six months, all of our lives have been partially or totally paused, and we’re all feeling behind in where we think our lives should be.

To whom are we comparing ourselves when everyone else is in the same boat? We have to do something with that energy, so we direct it inward in a negative fashion. Imagining permanent worst-case scenarios that are a direct result of falling behind in our studies, our professions, and our personal habits. This is catastrophizing, and it is distorted thinking at its most distorted. Yet, this is the type of thinking we encourage at all levels of our society. We either progress or we regress. Standing still is not an option. Considering your options is not an option. Failure at any point along the spectrum means that a person will not reach this nebulous, undefined level of “success” that everyone keeps talking about.

I enlisted in the Marine Corps at twenty-one. I went to Paris Island and quickly got processed out on an entry-level discharge due to medical issues (panic attacks while holding firearms are not selected for in the military). I distinctly remember a sergeant handing me my DD 214 form, and predicting: “You will never get a good job because washing out of the Marines will follow you forever.” I’m pleased that I beat his prediction, but that mindset of forever being at a disadvantage due to a temporary setback is cutting the legs out from under our entire society.

Instead of trying to rush through this pandemic, what if we encouraged ourselves and one another to take advantage of this globe set on pause? Take some of the extra time that we have not traveling to school or to work to consider what our definition of success looks like.