My Mental Illness Superpowers

Marcel Proust wrote

Happiness is good for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind.

As a young man I fantasized that a deep enough depression might imbue me with superpowers. Like Spiderman, or the Flash, or the Human Torch! Though the nerd within me still holds out hope that I will encounter the right genetically-modified spider, my practical inner voice focuses on how I can harness my illness as a power.

Sisyphus

I was asked recently if I thought I’d battle depression forever. I answered yes, unequivocally. While that sounds needlessly fatalistic, it is realistic. Like Sisyphus, I may be condemned to roll the boulder of my illness up the slope for eternity; only to trundle back down and try again when it inevitably falls. Leave it to the Greeks to give us mythology of fascinating punishments!

I am drawn to the story of Tantalus. Condemned by the gods to spend eternity in a pool of water, a fruit tree above him. Every time he lowered his mouth to the water, the water receded. Every time he raised his head for a bite to eat, the branches pulled away from him. Thus, we have the origin of the word tantalize - to desire a thing forever out of one’s grasp.

Now comes the question: could Sisyphus and Tantalus ever come to grips with their infinite afflictions? Could they ever accept their punishment, turn inward, and apply their daily lessons for, if not a pleasant eternity, at least a more bearable one?

It was only until I accepted the terms of my mental illnesses that I could start working on solutions to live with them. Before that attitude change I rebelled against my mind, and there is only so long a person can fight with themselves before accumulating enough damage to make life truly unbearable. Philosophy became my tool to explore the cards life dealt me. Was it possible to learn how to love myself even though my nature is bent toward self-hatred? Could I make use of my innate tendencies and turn destructive thoughts into productive action?

Tantalus

With great perseverance I learned that the answer to those questions was indeed — yes!

My depression and anxiety keep me sharp, for the price of occasionally getting cut. I could rage against that fact. Indeed, I have. I have shouted into the abyss of my mind, cursed every name of God I could recall, and hurt myself in the worst ways. That reaction gave me nothing but added misery.

I learned discipline from my depression. Constantly thinking deeply about my obvious awfulness as a human being was not entirely bad. Fifteen years of thinking that way conditioned my brain to dive into any topic and gain mastery with a relentlessness that bordered on the obsessive. I could focus more than most.

Anxiety taught me awareness. I learned to identify the signs in my body that I was close to a panic attack, and then breathe that fear response away. The body tends to know things before the conscious mind does, be grateful for this because otherwise it would take way too long to pull your hand off a hot stove. I experience tendrils of energy, like worms slithering down my forearms before a panic attack. When I feel them I excuse myself and go through my breathing exercises.

My super-ist super power? The ability to not care what other people think. To be clear, I do care what people think of me, but living with Major Depressive Disorder is a daily vaccination against external opinions. No one can match my brain’s ability to vivisect my perceived weaknesses, failures in performance, or my value as a human being. Sure, comments can still sting, but my illnesses taught me how to compartmentalize any opinion that is detrimental to my wellbeing.

I am Lex Luthor, Doc Ock, and The Joker. And I am also Superman, Spiderman, and Batman.

Unlike Sisyphus and Tantalus, I may be condemned but that does not stop me from learning how to improve my circumstances. That is a superpower, and what I believe Marcel Proust was getting at.