The Challenge of Recovering Slowly

/

I’d very much like to be back to my life. If I could snap my fingers I’d be at my job, latte in hand, and planning out the remainder of my day. I’d come home to my cat, Holiday, cook some food, and play a game to unwind. Then I’d bask in the comforting glow of a good book.

Currently I have my Kindle, so I’m 25% of the way back to my normal way of life, but I’d much rather things be back to normal right now. Who wouldn’t? I find it amazing how much I want my normal life back, when while I was sick all I wanted was a different life. I’m grateful that I have the opportunity to receive a level of care for my mental illness that I never had access to previously.

I’ve been hospitalized, and I’ve been to intensive outpatient programs, but this is the first time I’ve been in a residential program. The usual stay is 4-6 weeks, and I’ve been here for close to thirty days. While I’m hopeful that I can be stepped down to outpatient status and stay with my family for the remainder of my treatment, I’m mentally preparing myself to stay here through Christmas.

IMG_1568.jpeg

My issue here is the same issue I had when I started as a referee. I wanted to be the crew chief right away; no need to establish a base of ability or polish my skills. No, I thought I was ready for the big-time assignments. Well, I was given that opportunity not long after moving to Baltimore to show my stuff with my mentor Kevin and the local assigner, John.

I don’t even like to think about how badly I performed in that game. I didn’t realize just how far I had to go to reach the level of skill that the players and my partners demanded. After that game Kevin gave me some advice that I took to heart and am now applying to my time in treatment: “Gordon, be a submarine. Don’t make waves, just run quiet and deep.”

Subs stay at sea for months, and this treatment program lasts for 90 days. I’m closing in on a third of the way through it, and I’m learning a ton of new skills with Dialectic Behavior Therapy:

  • DEAR MAN

  • PLEASE

  • TIPP

  • HALT

I’ll write explanations about those mnemonics in future posts; they’re tremendously useful tools for life whether you live with mental illness or not.

What I’m trying to remind myself, and what I’m asking my friends and family to remind me is that this treatment will take time, and I need to stay the course. That may mean staying here through Christmas, and it definitely means sacrificing my attendance at the US Lacrosse Convention in Philadelphia. That decision hurts because I’d love to see all my friends, but my dad reminded me of the goal I set for myself: get healthy.