It was bound to happen. After several weeks of traveling to Tifton for work and to Dalton to see my girlfriend, I grabbed the toiletry bag at my home in Alpharetta that did not have my Klonopin.

Klonopin is for when I wake up into severe anxiety or a panic attack. Most typically caused by excess bread or sugar the night before, coupled with a restless sleep. My consciousness wakes up into a state of terror with no time to take corrective action. That’s when I bring out the pharmaceutical “big guns,” which drastically reduces the physical sensations of my panic, and gives me some space to do breathing exercises to calm my mind.

Two or so Mondays ago, I woke up with an elephant’s foot on my chest and so much bodily tension that I felt like I was being drawn and quartered by stallions. I knew that I could make it to the hotel bathroom where my Klonopin awaited. Imagine my dismay when I realized I had left my emergency pills three hours away. I had to quickly shift to a much harder plan, but my new career helped.

I left corporate America for the trades. Not for money or for lack of professional success, but because I was killing myself to work. A similar Monday morning two years ago would have ruined me for an entire week. I would have, and did, stay in bed, skip work, and hate myself even more for my perceived weakness. One panicked morning ruined me for days, and as much as I hated waking up once more into a panic I knew this morning would be different for these reasons:

1. Physical Activity — Just to start my day I have to crank the bucket truck, lower the boom, raise the outriggers, and inspect the truck and trailer. This involves a good bit of climbing, pulling, pushing, lifting, and attention to detail. Far more than I ever got preparing for my office job. I can be panicked on a crisp morning, and know I’m on the clock and deepening my breathing at the same time. I’m getting paid to move my body and work out the stress that accumulated overnight.
   

2. Small Crews — I entered linework because I wanted to spend my days working on small crews. I’ve been fortunate to work with tremendous people in my corporate jobs, and yet there is something different about talking around the proverbial water cooler and sweating in the Georgia heat to dig a hole. The same stuff gets discussed, but there is a slightly greater connection to my coworkers in linework that helps motivate me to get out of bed, get dressed, and get to the trucks. Nothing bonds more than shared suffering, which is also why I only ever considered transferring to the Events team at USA Lacrosse had I stayed in Baltimore. Working in searing heat or torrential rains while griping and still getting the job done, was deeply fulfilling. Now, I get that fulfillment and connection every day.
   

3. Immediate Stressors — All anxiety is is the stress response living in the future. This is why every therapeutic intervention for anxiety revolves around getting an individual to notice things in the present moment. Such as noticing one thing for each of your senses: “I hear a pleasant song; I see the color burnt orange, I feel the leather chair under me, I smell coffee grinds, I taste my orange juice.” Then there is T.I.P.P., Cold Therapy, Breath Work Exercises, Mindfulness Meditations, and a host of other tools to get the mind out of the future and into the present. In my corporate jobs it was part of my daily routine to calm myself down around 10AM because I’d always be remarkably stressed out by the time I got to work, answered emails, and looked at my packed calendar. I took to meditating in rarely used stairwells just so I could be certain I’d have alone time. My work stressors used to be all about potential future conflicts, now my work stressors are right in front of me.

On that rough Monday morning a few weeks ago I breathed deeply in the hotel bathroom. Long inhales and longer exhales, until my hands stopped shaking. Then I stuck my head under cold water to shock my body into the present. I got dressed, avoided my usual cup of coffee, and went to get the truck ready for the day. That was all before 7AM.

By 8AM I was driving to a work location with the window down.

At 9AM I was digging a hole.

Once 10AM rolled around my mind was quiet. My body, unpleasantly sore from all that early morning tension was pleasantly sore from digging.

By lunch, my body and mind were back to baseline. That quick of a recovery from waking into a panic attack never happened while I was in my corporate jobs.

As difficult as my panicked morning without Klonopin was, it reinforced that I have the knowledge and tools necessary to manage my most severe anxious symptoms, but, far more importantly, it proved to me that I made the correct shift in careers. I have since double-checked that a few Klonopin are in my travel bag because there is no need for me to suffer to excess, but I look back on that painful morning with gratitude.

I found meaningful work that also helps my mind, and still gives me the free time to indulge in my writing and public speaking work.