..., But Think of What It'll Do to Everyone
/When a person confides that they are suicidal the person on the receiving end of that information is likely poorly equipped to do or say the most helpful things. This is not their fault. When hearing disturbing news, pretty much everyone freaks out a little inside. This is normal, and that energy can be directed toward actions that are beneficial to the suffering individual through training. Without knowing what to say we generally say the worst possible thing with the best possible intentions. Statements like:
“You’re just feeling down, this will pass.”
“Don’t think like that!”
“Look at how good your life is compared to [insert a worse off community or person].”
These pleas to a suicidal person are not helpful. There is an undercurrent of judgement beneath all of them, and an unsaid dismissal of how the person perceives their life to be. Consider if you told me that you felt angry because I said something inconsiderate. I do not get to reply: “no you don’t.” I must take the feelings you report at face-value because I do not have the right to tell you how you are feeling. The trouble with the statements above is that they do not account for how dark and twisted the thinking patterns have become for the suicidal person. They do not acknowledge that this suffering individual actually believes that suicide is their only option.
Judgmental statements do not help a suicidal person through their crisis; they increase the individual’s perceived sense of isolation and make it less likely that they’ll share in the future. Yet, there is a statement that I feel many untrained people think works:
“…, but think of what it’ll do to everyone.”
I’ve been in more group therapy sessions than I could ever count. I’ve heard the hurt in the voices of others when they recount struggling with addiction, or their true gender identity, or thoughts of ending their own life. I’ll never forget their bitter tone while explaining how hurt they felt when the person they trusted to confine in made their pain all about how other people might react.
The reason untrained people feel this statement is effective is because they mistakingly think that reminding a suicidal person about all the people in their lives will get them to stop thinking about killing themselves. We’re social creatures. When someone hurts we want to comfort them and pull them into their web of social connections so their burdens can be shared.
This idea - to rally the troops, to remind a person about how much everyone loves them feels like the right thing to do.
It is not. At least, not in that moment of crisis.
As someone who’s experienced severe and persistent suicidal thinking I can tell you that I was intensely aware of how my death would affect those around me. I knew it would cause nearly unbearable suffering to my family and friends. That they’d be consumed with the question of why I killed myself and why I didn’t see how loved I was. Trouble was that I knew all of this; I simply believed that my existence was a burden to the people I cared about most, and that the ongoing burden of my life outweighed the temporary pain of my death. Had someone ask me to think about what my suicide would do to my family I would’ve replied: “I’ve thought about it, and it’s the only way to spare them more pain.”
The answer to getting people through a crisis is training. Just like CPR can save a life from someone choking, or an AED can bring a person back from the brink, Mental Health First Aid can help a sufferer weather the worst of their storm until professionals can get involved. If you’d like to get certified in this discipline, I encourage you to check out one or all of these organizations:
If you want a certified instructor for group workshops on suicide prevention and crisis intervention training I highly recommend Susie Reynolds Reece. She is one of the most engaging speakers I’ve witnessed, and her knowledge of best practices is stratospheric.
She can be reached at susie@susiereece.org.
She is also my brain twin and definitely one of my favorite people. You should check out her work.
