I Hate Myself

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“I hate myself” — not an uncommon thought among those with mental illness. Living with depression, I am intimately familiar with the pernicious influence of that dark corner of my mind. How it casts a shadow that I must actively work to avoid. This was not always the case.

In my teens and early twenties, the thought: “I hate myself” was a part of my everyday life. Every single day I thought that I was worthy of self-hatred, and that I should end my life. Some days the thoughts were small and easily ignored. Most days, though, I was stuck in mental shadows, desperately trying to peel myself away from these awful thoughts.

This was impossible for two reasons. One, I assumed that my thoughts were true. Two, I believed that these thoughts were a part of my real identity. It wasn’t until I learned that thoughts can be both valid and untrue, and how to externalize my thoughts that I was able to free myself of some of the shadowy bindings that had encircled me for years.

Here is a lesson I wish every person could understand at a young age:

You are NOT your thoughts.

This is the reason why I used to “struggle” with my depression, and now I say that I “live with” my depression. The struggle was when I used to believe every internal thought I had. Why wouldn’t I? They’re my thoughts after all. Not necessarily. There is a whole realm of subconscious below our conscious thoughts, and our brains are constantly synthesizing new patterns, new responses, and new ideas to external and internal stimuli.

I used to think I was in charge of every thought that came into my conscious mind. Once I learned to practice externalizing my depressed thoughts as a third-party opponent, I began making progress against my illness. Here’s how this process looks:

  1. Recognize the thought - “I hate myself”

  2. Visualize a STOP sign (verbally say “stop” if I feel the need)

  3. Mentally step away from the thought (gain distance from it)

  4. Ask myself: is this my thought or my depression’s thought?

  5. Put the thought on my depression

  6. Repeat any affirmation - “I’m well, I’m worthy, I’m loved”

Contrary to what many popular instagram/twitter posts affirm — I believe that my mental illness does define me. It impacts every aspect of my life, and I must be on guard against its shadowy influences at all times. However, I get to choose how it defines me.

In my youth I thought my depression was me. Now, I know that I am great than it. While I sometimes fall back into old patterns and struggle with my thoughts, that is okay. That is what it means to be human.

While I regularly think: “I hate myself,” I can choose to love the darker parts of me. That is what I say defines me.