"I Hate Myself"
/“I hate myself” — not an uncommon thought among those with mental illness. Living with depression, I am intimately familiar with that pernicious influence emanating from the darker corners of my mind. How it casts a shadow that I must actively work to avoid, yet this was not always the case.
In my teens and most of my twenties, the thought: “I hate myself” was part of my everyday life. Every single day I thought that I was worthy of self-hatred, and that naturally led to thoughts of ending my life. Some days the thoughts were small and easily ignored. Most days, though, I was stuck in a dystopian mental labyrinth. Always on the lookout for the minotaur of depression to spot me, and always having to run feverishly away when it did.
True escape was impossible for two reasons:
I assumed that my thoughts were true.
I believed that these thoughts were part of my identity.
It wasn’t until I learned that thoughts can be both valid and untrue, and how to externalize my thoughts that I was able to free myself of the minotaur that had hunted me for years.
Here’s the lesson I wish every person could be exposed to at a young age:
You are NOT your thoughts.
This is the reason why I used to “struggle” with my depression, and now I say that I “live with” my depression. Also why I say: “I am a depressive,” instead of “I am depressed.” The struggle was when I used to believe every internal thought I had. Why wouldn’t I? They’re my thoughts after all.
Not necessarily.
There is a whole realm of subconscious below our conscious thoughts, and our brains constantly synthesize new patterns, new responses, and new ideas to external and internal stimuli. I thought I was in charge of every thought that came into my mind, which was not an accurate perception.
Therapy and study taught me that sometimes thoughts just pop into existence. Ever had a thought that made you wonder where in the hell it came from? Something so totally at odds with who you are as a person that it causes you great distress? If you do not have a mental illness, you briefly tasted the mentally ill experience when you had a thought so totally alien from who you know yourself to be. It took years, but I finally understood that not every thought I had needed to be treated equally. I could blame my depression instead of myself for these horrible thoughts.
Once I learned to externalize my depressed thoughts as a third-party opponent, I made progress against my illness. Here’s how this process looks:
Recognize the thought - “I hate myself”
Visualize a STOP sign (verbally say “stop” if needed)
Mentally step away from the thought (gain distance from it)
Ask: “Is this my thought or my depression’s thought?”
Make depression accountable for that thought
Repeat any affirmation - “I’m well, I’m worthy, I’m loved”
Contrary to what many popular instagram/twitter posts affirm — I believe that my mental illness defines me. It impacts every aspect of my life, and I must be on guard against its shadowy influences at all times. However, I get to choose how it defines me.
In my youth I thought my depression was me. Now, I know that I am greater than it. While I still think “I hate myself” from time to time, I can choose to love the darker parts of me when they make themselves known.
