It doesn’t make sense.

Why would a depressed, socially anxious individual who cannot stand loud noises and large crowds willingly step into the midst of a competition and try to distribute some degree of fairness into the proceedings?

This is where I have the most amount of control. My actions and inactions have an impact; how many times can I truly say that during the course of my working day? My judgment can lift a team up to new heights or dash them down into the doldrums. That is a lot of power, and I happen to like that power.

Yes, I referee because I feel powerful. I’m good at it, I have fun with it, and I enjoy challenging my skills with similarly-minded crewmates. I don’t work to abuse the authority I’m granted by the rules (no matter what the fans may think). I follow the Spiderman Principle that “with great power comes great responsibility.” I have a responsibility to give my very best effort for the players on each team, and the end result of the game is, ideally, without any significant impact from me.

Sometimes significant impact is needed. I tell players all the time, I’m more than willing to stay out of your way if you don’t give me cause to get involved. The fewer whistles I have to blow and flags I have to throw the happier I am, but not every game happens that way and I have to be aware of when my crew and I must change tact.

I referee not for the sake of the players, or the history of the game, or even for the purity of competition. That all is a part of it, sure, but the primary reason I referee is for my overall mental wellness, which shocks most people.

“You mean to tell us that refereeing improves your mental health?” The amount of comments online and anecdotally about individuals quitting officiating, refereeing, and umpiring borders on the comical. While those comments are valid and people are genuinely fed up with the behavior along the sidelines, I keep on the lookout for it as a means to sharpen my skills against my depression and anxiety.

I find it rather difficult to stay angry with myself when a parent is audibly making a fool of themselves over a rule that changed seven years ago. I just cannot get bothered by the inevitable external criticism because I’ve spent a lifetime dealing with my internal criticism. Refereeing is also where I get practice responding rather than reacting to stimuli.

I chew gum when I referee because it keeps me from saying the very first thing that comes to my lips. That’s a useful trick to avoiding serious arguments with other people, and that practice of considerate responses is something that has helped me in my mental health journey as well. Many, many times I’ve stopped myself dead in my tracks because I realized I was needlessly negative to me. That is rarely helpful in a lacrosse game; I get enough negativity from the sidelines that adding more is akin to willfully accepting a beating. Instead I use games as trial runs of different responses. Sometimes I’m more energetic, other times more stoic. All the times I’m trying to find a better route through to the end of the game.

That is where I feel a little lost right now. I’m the furthest away from refereeing (lacrosse being a spring sport), and my daily routes have been interrupted by my depression. A big thanks to my girlfriend, sister, and treatment team for keeping me on the straight and narrow, but now I have to walk a little bit more on my own and get through my day with fewer supports just like I do on the field.

I’m not shaking off those supporting me, but I am going to add in supportive activities namely Wim Hof breathing and Loving/Kindness Meditation. Hopefully, along with ECT, I’ll be in even better shape by the end of this week.