Finally Feeling Myself Again

I had my seventh ElectroConvulsive Therapy treatment earlier today, and I’m happy to report that I’m feeling close to my usual self for the first time in months. The doctors said that I would start feeling effects between 6-12 treatments, so I’m right in the range of effectiveness. For a while there I didn’t think that I’d feel good again. Now that some sunshine has broken through the clouds of my mind, I feel optimistic about the future.

I’m working to be discharged before Christmas. I think that would be a nice gift to myself, my family, and my friends. That will take some effort. I need to continue journaling, challenging thoughts with CBT, apply some of the new skills I’m learning in DBT, and be prepared for a possible dip in my mood as my body absorbs these treatments.

It is so gratifying to not have a suicidal thought in my head. Instead I’m thinking about my new favorite obsession - Baby Yoda in The Mandalorian.

I’m building up my mental strength again, and it feels good to have some agency over my mind. I’m going to do the work that needs doing to get myself healthy, and get myself back to my life. I’m not happy I had to put it on hold, but I’m grateful that I’m at a place where I can get well.

The big thing I’m working on right now is forgiving myself. I’ve been beating myself up for the last two and a half months, and I need to stop.

Here is a great video on healing and forgiveness by, of all people, Dolph Lundgren. He expounds on the idea of healing oneself as a necessary prerequisite to helping heal others. I’m not all the way there yet, but I feel like I’m closing in on healing myself.