Flashing Lights

This morning someone behind me rode my rear bumper and repeatedly flashed their high beams into my eyes. My emotions ranged from surprise to annoyance, then frustration, and finally, outright anger. Here I was, traveling to school before the sun peaked over the mountains, and this person has the gall to tailgate me! Where are they going — nothing is open! Why do they need to get to their destination so quickly? Why are they antagonizing a complete stranger?

Fortunately, I had queued up an excellent podcast (Entre Leadership), and I wasn’t about to take curvy, mountain roads above the speed limit in the pitch black of early dawn. Nothing the driver behind me did could possibly make me change my behavior unless I permitted a change. They might piss me off, and I may let out a few choice words, but they are not responsible for my behavior.

I am.

This is the nature of mind, and the nature of other people. You’ll never move fast enough.

I come across this same phenomenon when I referee. A ball goes out of bounds, and I’ll award possession to the blue team. Usually, it takes a few seconds, but if there aren’t extra balls along the outside of the field it’ll take a bit longer. I’ll run across a coach that keeps yelling: “Blow the whistle! Blow the whistle! We’re ready!” I have to reply: “Your player isn’t even on the field yet!”

You’ll never move fast enough for other people, and I’ve learned that I never move fast enough for the negative voice in my head.

“I should be further along in life.”

“I’m behind other people.”

“I’m not where I thought I was supposed to be by now.”

My internal, negative voice is exactly the same as the external, rude driver. Neither can directly change my behavior, but they can influence my decision-making if I permit that influence to override my will. When I’m tailgated like I was this morning I could speed up and drive more recklessly. That may placate the driver, but it also makes me and that driver less safe. The tailgater can only go as fast as I go, so the only person that is going to change the equation is me. Regardless of external factors, I’m the one in charge. I could break-test the tailgater, another behavior that I engaged in as a less experienced driver. Once again, had I done that I would have increased the likelihood of an accident. If we did wreck, that would further increase the tailgater’s aggravation and could spill out into a fight once we pull our cars off the road.

That fight could lead to serious injury and a possible arrest for both of us! Now, instead of both drivers getting to their destinations in their own way there is now a car wreck, hospital bills, court dates, lost wages, and recovery time. An exponential increase of aggravation when compared to what I felt when that driver first flashed their lights. All because I decided to permit an external factor to influence my inner decision-making.

I weighed all that out in my head and allowed logic to prevail (CBT to the rescue). So I upped the volume on my podcast, decreased my speed by a few miles per hour, and flipped by mirror up so the high beams weren’t as bright. I turned right at the next stop sign, and the tailgater turned left. While I let out a long breath I wished that person a safe journey. That was a tiny version of a Loving-Kindness Meditation, which is a type of meditation that is incredibly moving to me. I’ll explore this specific meditation in a future post, but the essentials are that you wish people safety, happiness, and wellness. It’s like a mental hug; you feel more relaxed after thinking those thoughts, which is why I wished that tailgater well. I didn’t want to maintain my aggravation because I still had half of my drive left.

There won’t always be a tailgater when you drive, but your negative internal voice always tailgates you. It’s ready to flash lights and honk horns trying to knock you off center. Whether you decide to change you behavior as a result of that inner negativity is entirely your decision. Accepting that fact is hard. I fight with that understanding regularly. It is easy to blame that voice for your behavior, but you have a choice. Just as you have a choice to journey in a manner that is best for you when someone rides your tail.