Reminders for Better Living

When a general returned to Rome following a victorious campaign, he paraded through the city with great pomp and circumstance.

It was customary for a slave gladiator, known as an Auriga, to whisper in the general’s ear: “Memento homo”.

Remember, you are but a man.

I suppose the modern-day corollary would be for the Golden State Warriors to hire someone to whisper in Steph Curry’s ear, “You are only a man,” while he hoists the NBA championship trophy.

It is a sobering statement in moments of victory. A reminder that we all came from dust, and to the dust we shall return. Our victories, our accolades, our possessions - nothing we do or accumulate will follow us in death, and pride, as Proverbs tells us, "goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." While celebrating an accomplishment, it is of immense value to remember that a recent victory does not mean victory in perpetuity.

Today, though, it is fortunately impossible to forcibly compel a fellow human to give you reminders, and it is cumbersome to hire a person to stand next to you all day. However, we have devices that are always nearby and frequently checked. They can be used to remind us to think differently, to consider our choices, and to help us live the life we most want to live.

I like the quote, “Confine Yourself to the Present” by Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. I have it as the first section of my work binder, incorporated into my computer wallpaper, and my good friend Kevin Forrester even turned the quote into a work of art!

Having a reminder that I see multiple times a day, helps me combat my brain’s default mode of negative thinking. I can easily slip into a poor frame of mind, and it takes vigilance to keep my mind in an attitude that helps me live my life in my way.

Whether our devices are slaves to us, or are we slaves to our devices, is a question I will tackle in a different article. For now, I like taking a quote from 1,800 years ago and welding it with 21st century technology to keep me focused in a meaningful way.

If you would like a simple, and stoic wallpaper reminder for your computer or mobile device; you can download mine below.

Mobile Wallpaper

Desktop Wallpaper

Mental Health Memes

I love memes. They’re great fun, and a great delivery system for just about any kind of message. However, there is a darker side to memes that we need to respect, and that is their tendency to reduce complex ideas down to something pithy and memorable.

Leaving us with examples like this sage advice from the 16th President of the United States of America.

Good advice? Absolutely.

Correct attribution? Doubtful.

Memorable? Certainly.

Memes are the hieroglyphics of our age, and I hope someone prints them out and stuffs them in a time capsule because it will leave future archaeologists incredibly confused.

A friend shared this meme with me recently.

As memes go, it’s a pretty good one. Strong typeface font against a stark, black background, and memorable celebrity names.

It packs a punch full of pixels, but I do not agree with the creator’s point.

“So, let me say this really loud so the people in the back of the room can hear me… Sometimes you need to check on those who seem the strongest.”

The tone is remarkably condescending, and I do not care for it.

Even worse, there is no attribution for these quotes. That is one significant downside of memes, you can make anyone say anything and it looks like they said it.

I took the liberty of hunting down these quotes.

• Robin William’s friends:

  • I cannot find quotes from his friends that match exactly what the meme states.

  • I did find this from Ben Stiller, which I felt was pretty close: “His kindness and generosity is what I think of. How kind he was to anyone who wanted to connect with him. And he could not help but be funny all the time.”

• Kate Spade’s Father really said:

  • "The last I talked with her, the night before last, she was happy planning a trip to California to look at colleges. She doted on her daughter."

• Anthony Bourdain’s best friend, Eric Ripert:

  • "He was an exceptional human being, so inspiring and generous. One of the great storytellers of our time who connected with so many.”

Back to how the meme ends, I strongly disagree with the tone of the creator’s point, and I disagree with the proffered advice because it lacks specificity.

https://afsp.org/find-support/when-someone-is-at-risk/

“You need to check on…” can mean anything; so it inevitably means nothing. To one person, it might mean text. To another, it might mean to sign commitment papers.

The meme is written to encourage people to reach out to those who may be suffering from mental illness and thinking about suicide. I applaud the objective, but I condemn the effort.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” How most conversations will end.

“Do you have a plan to end your life?”

“…”

“I’m worried, are you thinking of ending your life by suicide?”

“…”

“Please, talk to me, I’m here, do you have any plans to hurt yourself?”

“…well, I wouldn’t say a plan, exactly. Well, maybe…” How a specific question can tease out plans.

It took my fictional person three tries to get an answer, and in reality it may take forty tries. But if you are concerned about a loved one’s safety, then it helps to get specific.

Now, I am not about to argue in the negative without providing an example of something better. Here is my take on an improved meme:

The Stigma of Mental Illness - Part 2

What is it that makes us fearful of the unknown? The strange? The other?

It makes sense that most of us are frightened of large predators, poisonous animals, deep bodies of water, and exceptional heights. All of those things could cause us significant bodily harm, or even death.

But why be afraid of another human? We share 99.9% of our DNA with one another! The answer lies in our evolutionary past.

We are naturally fearful of what we cannot see. We descended from hunter-gatherers who assumed that every rustling sound in the bushes indicated the presence of a bigger, badder animal. We did not descend from those that thought, “I’m sure it’s nothing.” Because those humans were eaten.

“Did anyone else hear that?”

Today, most of humanity can reasonably assume that they are not at risk to being lunch for a saber-tooth tiger. The fear of the unseen did not go extinct; it developed into the fear of the unseen in others.

We humans are equally adept at crafting stories and placing blame. As a result we found differences and exploited them to feel safe:

“Dear me… that one thinks he’s Napoleon!”

• Justifications for Slavery

• Salem Witch Trials

• Touring the Mentally Ill in Hospitals

• The Holocaust

• Rwandan Genocide

There is a deep-seated, human reason for calling “other” people names. It allows us to immediately declare that WE are not THEM. As a result, we feel safe, superior, and entitled to take liberties.

When I go off the rails
I hurt my self not you
I curl up in my bed
A snail within the shell
When I am depressed
I don’t rise up off my sofa
Let alone become a danger
Manned with an axe
To chop up you
When my brain is racing
From one thing to the next
I haven’t the space or time
To bother anyone other
So relax
When I’m up
I am creative
Making, painting a must
I become one possessed
But not with you
Stigma wielding man
My juices too precious to waste
On hydrating your prejudice
I have an illness
It is not contagious
And not the all of me
So if you cannot accept
Or treat me with a little respect
Then at the very least
Zip your mouth
Don’t tell me what’s best
Or simply to pull my self together
I am not curtains
And I do not care to be patronised
By your ignorance
Yes I’m talking to you
The uninformed jury
Assuming fear as fact
Remember one day it may
Be your reality too.
- Rachel Blake

Germans became “Krauts”, Japanese became “Japs”, Russians became “Reds”.

Mentally ill becomes “crazy”.

Schizophrenic becomes “dangerous”.

Depression becomes “lazy”.

Anxiety becomes “weak”.

We are wired to be afraid of that which we believe is different. Stigmatizing something or someone is a natural, human activity.

That said, we should feel comfortable relegating that urge to the dust bin of history. We are growing out of our childish understanding of the world. If a child in middle school can comprehend the basics of atomic structure; surely that child can also be taught that .1% is insignificant when compared to 99.9%.

The real question is, will we grow out of the childhood of our species or will we follow our baser instincts?

https://makeitok.org/take-the-pledge

The Stigma of Mental Illness - Part 1

The word stigma originates “from the Latin stigmat-, mark, brand,” and “from Greek stizein to tattoo.” This word describes a permanent mark affixed upon the human body, and we humans, traditionally, have a fear what such a mark can portend.

The Mark of Cain, the branding of a slave, a drunk, or a prostitute, the Roman branding of fugitives, the Puritanical Scarlet Letter. We even have a prophecy in the book of Revelation that only those who bare the Mark of the Beast will be permitted to engage in commerce.

16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:

17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

Revelation 13:16-17 King James Version (KJV)

Announcing that in the end times, the stigma of a brand will turn into a positive for those who on the evil side with the Devil, and not having a brand will mark you on the good side with God. It is impossible to escape the deep-rooted, human belief that a permanent mark indicates someone, or something to stay away from.

Upon hearing the word today, you feel the impulse to rear back and guard yourself; lest you receive a similar brand. This fear is so strong that some people have called me and said, “Thank you for talking about this; it is important that we talk more about it today.”

In the back of my mind, I ask: “What is the ‘it’ they are referring to”?

It is a sign of progress that even though most people still do not feel comfortable saying the words mental illness, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and suicide; at least a conversation can happen. Even if the __________________ disorder remains unsaid, that is far better than no one talking about mental illness at all.

This will be a multi-part series where I examine the history of stigma, how mental illness was stigmatized, and ways that you can help excise this blot on human wellness.

For now, I encourage you to donate to the Cure Stigma campaign, run by NAMI at: https://ifundraise.nami.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donate.event&eventID=503

https://www.nami.org/stigma

You Don't Look Depressed

The assumption is that someone with depression is barely functional. Really, though, that is one, very far end of the spectrum of symptoms.

The Depression that Stays Hidden

To further confuse things, while I am a depressive, I do not meet the clinical definition of depression when I take medication and use positive coping strategies. This is the trouble with an illness that does not have definitive blood tests, scans, or other medical identifiers. A depression diagnosis relies on a person remembering how they have felt within the last few weeks.

Self-reporting has it’s limitations, and, as a result, so does accurate diagnosis of mental illness.

The physical illness equivalent would be if my doctor diagnosed a brain tumor using only my explanations of how I perceived my symptoms. See how that could be a problem for obtaining an accurate diagnosis? What I tell the doctor might indicate the presence of a tumor, but my descriptions are hardly definitive.

“We’re all mad here.”

The invisibility of mental illness creates grey area, and grey area makes it difficult to pinpoint the cause. For much of my teenage years, figuring out why I felt so awful was like trying to find a black cat in a dark room. Sure, I eventually found it, but for much of the time I was equally concerned that there was no cat.

The Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM-5, lists criteria for medical professionals to diagnose major depressive disorder (also known as clinical depression).

“The individual must be experiencing five or more symptoms during the same 2-week period and at least one of the symptoms should be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.

2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.

3. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.

4. A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).

5. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

6. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.

7. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.

8. Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

“To receive a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms must cause the individual clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The symptoms must also not be a result of substance abuse or another medical condition.”

Here’s the problem, someone could have 1) depressed mood, and 5) fatigue nearly ever day, and not meet the definition of major depressive disorder! Conversely, someone could have a little bit of all of these, and not feel “significantly hampered”. In those cases, we move away from major depressive disorder, and into the realm of dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder. Good therapists and psychiatrists can read between the lines, and know that the DSM-5, like a rulebook in a sport, is a useful guide for cataloging symptoms, and not infallible instructions from a book of holy scripture.

Feel lost yet? Don’t worry, the human brain has more connections between neurons than stars in the observable universe. Understanding the complex ways in which the mind can short-circuit is no easy task.

To aid in your understanding, below you will find one of the best lectures I have ever heard on the physiological causes of depression, and the havoc that depression wrecks on the body. Dr. Robert Sapolsky, aside from being an expert on stress, is a master of weaving scientific studies with humorous anecdotes to make for a truly lively learning experience.

What is Project Semicolon?

I could explain the misunderstood nature of the semicolon, but The Oatmeal does it so much better.

“Project Semicolon is an organization dedicated to the prevention of suicide. Our work is based on the foundation and belief that suicide is preventable and everyone has a role to play in preventing suicide. Through raising public awareness, educating communities, and equipping every person with the right tools, we know we can save lives.”

Why use a semicolon as a logo for suicide prevention? Because a semicolon is where an author could have ended a sentence; instead choosing to continue the story.

The idea is that we are all authors of our lives; those that attempt suicide metaphorically attempt to put a period at the end of theirs.

I tried to put a period on my life a couple times; I did not succeed.

A few years ago, I saw someone with a tattoo of a semicolon on their wrist. I was unsure of what it symbolized, other than an affinity for generally-misunderstood punctuation. So I went up to this person and asked… I’m kidding, I Googled it.

That search led me to Project Semicolon and to a wealth of stories that mirrored mine. As a fan of tattoos, it was not long before I walked into Read Street Tattoo and asked for one on my wrist.

Yes, that is a Llama in tree pose. My sister painted it, and it’s the best Llama painting in the world. http://caitlincorsetti.com/

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon

You may notice that my semicolon is not oriented correctly (this makes it an Arabic semicolon). That is mainly so the sweeping tail of the punctuation covers a scar on my wrist. I earned that scar due to stupidity; putting my hand through a window in anger.

What I have come to deeply appreciate about my tattoo is that some people will ask me about it, but others will see it and say, “me too,” or “my wife.”

Or I’ll trade a subtle head nod with someone waiting in line at the grocery store.

Despite the use of a semicolon as a moderate pause in speaking; it has generated a great deal of memorable conversations.

So now you know what a semicolon tattoo means. Someone may have made an attempt. Someone may know a friend or family member who tried to die by suicide. It means the story isn’t over.

Gordon tried to die by suicide; he survives.

https://projectsemicolon.com/ - beautiful in style and placement.

The Mysterious Melancholy of Meriwether Lewis

This day I completed my thirty first year, and conceived that I had in all human probability now existed about half the period which I am to remain in this Sublunary world. I reflected that I had as yet done but little, very little indeed, to further the happiness of the human race, or to advance the information of the succeeding generation. I viewed with regret the many hours I have spent in indolence, and now sorely feel the want of that information which those hours would have given me had they been judiciously expended. But since they are past and cannot be recalled, I dash from me the gloomy thought and resolved in future, to redouble my exertions and at least endeavor to promote those two primary objects of human existence, by giving them the aid of that portion of talents which nature and fortune have bestowed on me; or in future, to live for mankind, as I have heretofore lived for myself.

- Meriwether Lewis, Journals - August 18, 1805

Emotional tunnel vision - see a magnificent sight, and be unable to appreciate it.

Lewis wrote that on his birthday, at the continental divide. He wrote those words after seeing a sight that no white, non-native man had ever seen.

He had gone further than any American of his time, charting a course with his fellow explorer, William Clark, from the western-most border of the young American states, to the actual west cost of the North American continent.

Today, there is lively debate among historians as to Meriwether Lewis’ mental health and the true circumstances surrounding his death.

The quoted passage from his expedition journals, and observations from his friends, lend a good bit of weight to the argument that Lewis lived with Bipolar Disorder. By most accounts, he was prone to bouts of depression where he could not get out of bed, but also showed incredible vigor and drive.

Though we cannot accurately diagnose someone who lived over 200 years ago; it is fascinating to look through the lens of a historical figure’s personal thoughts, and get the sense that our ancestors dealt with many, if not the exact same, issues we deal with today.

For the sake of comparison, imagine that astronaut Buzz Aldrin stepped off the lunar lander and onto the surface of the moon. Instead of his famous quote, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” he said, “I have done very little to further the happiness of the human race.”

Getting to the continental divide in 1805, was the equivalent of landing on the moon in 1969. The distances were mind-boggling, the environments treacherous, and the planning complex. These were nearly impossible accomplishments! If Buzz had said something so depressing at that moment, Houston might have replied, “Buzz, you okay?”

Why dig up 200 year old journal entries for a blog in 2018? I believe it is valuable to show people today that those who came before us lived with mental illness just as they also lived with ear infections, tooth decay, strokes, and high blood pressure. We are not so far removed from those that lived before us, and examining the recorded thoughts of important historical figures, demonstrates that mental illness does not prevent a person from achieving great things.

Imagine getting here! Farther than any of your contemporaries, and simultaneously thinking that you have done nothing to “advance the information” of the next generation.

How Someone Chooses a Location for Suicide

I write this in an abundance of caution.

Before I go further, if you are planning suicide, I highly encourage you to call the

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

---

“He feels pessimistic about any future. Some time ago, early in his life, he formed a fixed idea, a flawed concept of what tolerable happiness might be, but his great tragedy was that he defined it in such a way that he could never attain it. It is present from the very beginning, in the very first few sentences. It is the pain, the enduring psychological pain that darkens his life. It is a pain that, in his psyche, is unbearable, intolerable, unendurable, and unacceptable. In his terms, it is better to stop the cacophony in his mind that to endure the unbearable noise.” - Edwin Shneidman, Autopsy of a Suicidal Mind

Dr. Shneidman, the father of modern-day suicidology, researched why people killed themselves in an attempt to find reliable indicators that medical professionals could use to recognize when someone may be at risk for suicide.

A friend asked me why someone might choose to end their life by suicide in a particular place. I can speak from personal experience, as well as from what the historical research into suicide can elucidate.

2,000 deaths since 1968, with 100-200 saved from jumping every year.

In the United States, we are familiar with the high rate of suicide at the Golden Gate Bridge, but you may be unfamiliar with the Nanjing Yangtze River Bridge in China.

The beauty of an expanse of water is a romantic human notion. We are drawn to the possibility of something beyond, and it requires very little imagination to see that dying by jumping off a bridge can, “merge the needs for nurturance and death that occurs in the suicidal mind” (Joiner).

If you believe someone snaps, and jumps off a bridge or slits their wrists in a bathtub; let me disabuse you of that idea.

The act itself may be impulsive, but everything that led up to the attempt was planned. I planned to kill myself by hanging in my basement apartment of my parents house. 

Why? Did I not care that my family would be the first to find me? Of course I cared, but my thinking was so distorted that those thoughts barely registered in my mind.

I planned to die in my home for two simple reasons. One, I was comfortable there. Two, I knew the rhythms. I knew when everyone was asleep, or when the house was deserted. I could plan, intimately, the details of exactly where I wanted to end my life.

Joiner again says it best,

“Planfulness regarding episodes of self-harm represented a significant risk factor for later completed suicide. Planfulness requires competence, which in my model is a key aspect of the acquired capability for lethal self-injury.”

Someone may choose to jump off a memorable bridge or building for a degree of flair, but also because they have read about people dying, and succeeding, at these locations. Whereas another person might choose to end their life in their home or their office, because that is where they are most comfortable.

Still others, myself include, might get a hotel room. Where there is a semblance of home, combined with the knowledge that no one will disturb you if you put that little sign on your door.

Reasons for choosing a location are as varied as our preferences for why we choose to move, or the work on which we embark. It may be due to convenience, to allure, comfort, control, accessibility; the list is truly endless.

These are all answers that we can consider if we are faced with the terrible question, why? Why did my friend, spouse, child, coworker kill themselves? Why there?

I will tackle these questions and more as I explore my own experiences, in the hopes that my search for better answers will help others. 

Impulse Control

“As for impulsiveness, a volume could be written about the disastrous consequences of this symptom. It has ruined many a business, many a marriage, and many a life.”

- Karl Menninger

Before I turned twenty-five I had:

• Committed early to college to play lacrosse

• Blew all of my money skydiving

• Changed my major multiple times

• Enlisted in the Marine Corps

• Moved into an apartment without steady income

• Attempted suicide three times

I was impulsive, and I was young. My prefrontal cortex was still developing.

In fact, some research indicates that, “the frontal lobes, home to key components of the neural circuitry underlying ‘executive functions’ such as planning, working memory, and impulse control, are among the last areas of the brain to mature; they may not be fully developed until halfway through the third decade of life” (Johnson, Blum, & Giedd).

Kids, I get to call them that now that I’m thirty, do not have the mental hardware to deeply consider anything beyond their immediate future.

Many adults look at the behavior of adolescents with bemused concern. Surprised at what we consider silly behavior, we ask: “don’t they think about the consequences?” They do! Just not like adults with fully developed frontal lobes.

Kids, for the most part, have a dial-up connection to their impulse control center. Adults have a 4G connection. It is no wonder that young people will think through a decision, experience slow loading times, and decide to do what they want.

The lack of impulse control may be why we see that, “suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years.”

15-24. Ages where a young person goes through at least three different learning environments, experiences vast changes to their bodies, simultaneously juggles youth and adult personas, and, as if to add more to their plate, every adult asks what they plan to do with the rest of their life.

Add in the potential for bullying, social isolation, poverty, physical and sexual abuse, mediocre parenting, poor parenting, or no parenting, and you can see that kids, despite our adult objections to the contrary, do not have it easy. To say otherwise demeans them, and calls into question the validity of our own growing pains.

Are you worried about your child, but do not know where to start? The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has an excellent list of resources that will help: https://afsp.org/campaigns/talk-about-mental-health-awareness-month/teens-and-suicide-what-parents-should-know/

https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/

Keep Walking

I bartended the summer before my sophomore year of college. Legal to do in Georgia, as long as you were over eighteen. It turned out to be the perfect job for me, even though I considered myself socially awkward and anxious in most social settings.

Why would bartending appeal to me? Well, I had three feet of granite separating me from everyone else, and the more drinks I served, the funnier and more charming I became to my patrons.

I operated in a safe environment that alleviated my anxiety, and I could practice interacting with people. At the end of the summer, I decided to get a new tattoo. This time of Johnnie Walker’s Striding Man with the company’s tagline: “Keep Walking” below the logo.

As you will see in the gallery below, the advertising campaign was of the Striding Man walking in a straight line, far beyond a variety of earlier obstacles.

The word “stride” means to, “walk with long, decisive steps in a specified direction,” or to, “cross an obstacle with one long step.”

I always took this to mean that action, movement, and incremental forward progress will always create a measure of distance from previous struggles. This is supremely practical advice because everyone can relate to the feeling of being stuck in a situation.

“Caught in a rut” is another familiar phrase that encapsulates how frustrating it is to feel as if you are trapped. I think this harkens back to our evolutionary past. When our ancestors risked exploring new environments because wherever they were living, was no longer sufficient to their long-term survival.

Whether we evolved to move, or we moved and then evolved is beside the point. We feel better when we act, and we feel confident when we act with purpose. My purpose is to live a disciplined life, and share the methods I use to move from living with an affliction, to living well with mental illness.