Clear the Fog of War

Mondays and Thursdays are my best days, but Tuesdays afternoons and Saturday evenings are difficult for me.

February and March are when I feel the very best, but I tend to slip into a mild depression at the end of the lacrosse season in May.

I am more productive in the summer, but I am usually affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder, SAD, in the late fall.

How do I know all this? I tracked my mood twice a day for two years with an app, iMoodJournal. Every week, I reviewed the data and noted low and high days. Then I recalled what happened on those days, and, very slowly, the bigger picture revealed itself to me.

Before I tracked my mood, I assumed that my depressive episodes were sporadic and random. Because of that, I further assumed that they were beyond my control. I felt trapped in a mental “fog of war,” a term that means, “uncertainty regarding one's own capability, adversary capability, and adversary intent during an engagement, operation, or campaign.”

“Can anyone see the enemy?”

It is terrifying, stumbling around in the dark; knowing an enemy lurks nearby. It is even more terrifying when the enemy is your own mind.

After my hospitalization in the fall of 2016, I decided to map my mind as well as I could. iMoodJournal and PocketCBT were tools I used to spy on my internal enemy that was intent on doing me harm.

By identifying the times when depression or anxiety were most likely to launch an assault; I had time to dig a mental foxhole.

I could gather supplies and call in reinforcements. All of this gave me the mental ability to say to my depression and anxiety:

“Come Get some!”

I do not win every battle, but I no longer feel like I’m losing the war. There is immense psychological relief that comes from preparation. Whether that is rehearsing a presentation, doing breathing exercises, or telling your friends, “It’s almost winter, I may need you on some bad days,” you bolster your defenses.

While we cannot control our circumstances, we can control our reaction to them. If we have a good idea of when circumstances will change, we can be prepared and be even more in control of ourselves.

Reminders for Better Living

When a general returned to Rome following a victorious campaign, he paraded through the city with great pomp and circumstance.

It was customary for a slave gladiator, known as an Auriga, to whisper in the general’s ear: “Memento homo”.

Remember, you are but a man.

I suppose the modern-day corollary would be for the Golden State Warriors to hire someone to whisper in Steph Curry’s ear, “You are only a man,” while he hoists the NBA championship trophy.

It is a sobering statement in moments of victory. A reminder that we all came from dust, and to the dust we shall return. Our victories, our accolades, our possessions - nothing we do or accumulate will follow us in death, and pride, as Proverbs tells us, "goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." While celebrating an accomplishment, it is of immense value to remember that a recent victory does not mean victory in perpetuity.

Today, though, it is fortunately impossible to forcibly compel a fellow human to give you reminders, and it is cumbersome to hire a person to stand next to you all day. However, we have devices that are always nearby and frequently checked. They can be used to remind us to think differently, to consider our choices, and to help us live the life we most want to live.

I like the quote, “Confine Yourself to the Present” by Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. I have it as the first section of my work binder, incorporated into my computer wallpaper, and my good friend Kevin Forrester even turned the quote into a work of art!

Having a reminder that I see multiple times a day, helps me combat my brain’s default mode of negative thinking. I can easily slip into a poor frame of mind, and it takes vigilance to keep my mind in an attitude that helps me live my life in my way.

Whether our devices are slaves to us, or are we slaves to our devices, is a question I will tackle in a different article. For now, I like taking a quote from 1,800 years ago and welding it with 21st century technology to keep me focused in a meaningful way.

If you would like a simple, and stoic wallpaper reminder for your computer or mobile device; you can download mine below.

Mobile Wallpaper

Desktop Wallpaper

Mental Health Memes

I love memes. They’re great fun, and a great delivery system for just about any kind of message. However, there is a darker side to memes that we need to respect, and that is their tendency to reduce complex ideas down to something pithy and memorable.

Leaving us with examples like this sage advice from the 16th President of the United States of America.

Good advice? Absolutely.

Correct attribution? Doubtful.

Memorable? Certainly.

Memes are the hieroglyphics of our age, and I hope someone prints them out and stuffs them in a time capsule because it will leave future archaeologists incredibly confused.

A friend shared this meme with me recently.

As memes go, it’s a pretty good one. Strong typeface font against a stark, black background, and memorable celebrity names.

It packs a punch full of pixels, but I do not agree with the creator’s point.

“So, let me say this really loud so the people in the back of the room can hear me… Sometimes you need to check on those who seem the strongest.”

The tone is remarkably condescending, and I do not care for it.

Even worse, there is no attribution for these quotes. That is one significant downside of memes, you can make anyone say anything and it looks like they said it.

I took the liberty of hunting down these quotes.

• Robin William’s friends:

  • I cannot find quotes from his friends that match exactly what the meme states.

  • I did find this from Ben Stiller, which I felt was pretty close: “His kindness and generosity is what I think of. How kind he was to anyone who wanted to connect with him. And he could not help but be funny all the time.”

• Kate Spade’s Father really said:

  • "The last I talked with her, the night before last, she was happy planning a trip to California to look at colleges. She doted on her daughter."

• Anthony Bourdain’s best friend, Eric Ripert:

  • "He was an exceptional human being, so inspiring and generous. One of the great storytellers of our time who connected with so many.”

Back to how the meme ends, I strongly disagree with the tone of the creator’s point, and I disagree with the proffered advice because it lacks specificity.

https://afsp.org/find-support/when-someone-is-at-risk/

“You need to check on…” can mean anything; so it inevitably means nothing. To one person, it might mean text. To another, it might mean to sign commitment papers.

The meme is written to encourage people to reach out to those who may be suffering from mental illness and thinking about suicide. I applaud the objective, but I condemn the effort.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.” How most conversations will end.

“Do you have a plan to end your life?”

“…”

“I’m worried, are you thinking of ending your life by suicide?”

“…”

“Please, talk to me, I’m here, do you have any plans to hurt yourself?”

“…well, I wouldn’t say a plan, exactly. Well, maybe…” How a specific question can tease out plans.

It took my fictional person three tries to get an answer, and in reality it may take forty tries. But if you are concerned about a loved one’s safety, then it helps to get specific.

Now, I am not about to argue in the negative without providing an example of something better. Here is my take on an improved meme:

Routine: Interrupted

I love routine.

In the morning:

• Deep breathing exercises

• Stretching in bed

• Meditation

• French Press Coffee with book

• Shower and hygiene

• Medications

At work:

• 10AM - Tea break

• 1PM - Lunch

• 3PM - Simple stretches

Before bed:

• Turn on red lamp

• Hot shower or bath

• Roll out or stretch

• Read until sleepy

It thinks it’s so superior because it uses “electricity”…

Due to my love affair for routine; travel has generally been a disruptive force for my mental well being. Not only am I in an unfamiliar environment, I am also unable to follow my routine exactly. Up until a year ago or so, I struggled when traveling. Building up anxiety until I had an inevitable panic attack during my trip, or not long after returning home.

One of my areas of personal growth has been becoming more mentally flexible. I do not follow the routines I listed to the letter, every day. I tried that, and anytime I missed something I felt like a failure.

Now, I try to hit for five hundred instead of one thousand. That has helped me tremendously when traveling.

I am writing this from my Dad’s office, overlooking the back porch, while listening to a bunch of dogs bark. I woke up this morning, stretched, meditated, cleaned myself up, took my meds, used by sister’s old Keurig to brew a latte. The big change is the manner in which I create my cup of coffee, and in the past I would have allowed that change to bother me.

In other words, I thought I was not performing my routine “right”. Which, when you step back from that observation, you realize it is absurd. I cannot tell you to stop judging yourself; that is part of our nature.

I advise you, as I try to remind myself, that you can judge yourself in a healthier manner. I term this

the cultivation of discipline

Discipline - “Train to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.”

Cultivate - “Prepare and use (land) for crops or gardening.”

Dad’s jersey (7) on the left. Mine (13) on the right.

The hard skill is discipline, and the soft skill is cultivation. For too many years I focused exclusively on discipline. Punishing myself for failing to attain the goals I set for myself.

I learned that you cannot have the hard skill without the soft skill. You cannot plant a hard seed in unyielding soil, and expect to find purchase for new roots.

Traveling has become a way for me to practice the soft skill of cultivation. An opportunity to become more flexible. Even the chance to find something new to incorporate into my self-care routines.

So on this day of gratitude. I am grateful for my family, the six dogs at the house, a healthy body, a stable mind, and another day to cultivate discipline in a healthy manner.

This is written at the top of my whiteboard wall in my apartment as a daily reminder.

Mental Agility Workshops

“The mind can go either direction under stress—toward positive or toward negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by training.” - Frank Herbert

I detest the phrase “mental toughness.” I find it lacking.

It is used to falsely empower both kids and adults with the idea that they must endure whatever they face, regardless of the potential damage to be inflicted upon them. This phrase has also spawned many other, and equally useless, phrases:

“I got this, just keep piling stuff on me.” - Atlas

• Life is hard, get a helmet

• Be a man (for young boys)

• Be more assertive, but don’t be bossy (for young girls)

• Tough it out

• Suck it up

• Deal with it

• Other people have it worse

I think we say these things because our grandparents told our parents, our parents told us, and now we, in turn, tell the next generation.

The unsaid part is to continue doing whatever it is you are doing. Don’t think, just do. Don’t take advantage of your brain, the most complicated organ found in any animal species on this planet. Just put your head down, get tough, and you will pull through.

This advice may be practical at certain times in life, but it is by no means a panacea.

I’ve been punched in the face before. Plenty of times in kickboxing. Not once did my instructor tell me, “That’s kickboxing, tough it out.” Instead, he taught me how to move, how to evade, how to counterattack. I would absorb some damage while bobbing and weaving, but I worked to maximize damage against my opponent, while minimizing damage to myself.

What if, instead of “mental toughness,” we taught Mental Agility? The development of a nimble mind that can quickly adapt to changing circumstances using a combination of breath work, body awareness, meditation, mindfulness, journaling and visualization.

If a business organization taught these skills, their workers would be able to adapt to a changing market.

If a sports team were taught these skills, their competitive advantage would increase over other teams.

If a person learned these skills, they can put down the helmet that everyone said is needed to get through life.

I have a plan for workshops geared toward professionals, student-athletes, and individuals. At these workshops people will learn how the brain works, what the stress response is, how to hack the mind, and how to use their body to influence their mental state for the better.

For my permanent recovery from mental illness, I only use what works. I’ve done the research, read the studies, and integrated many different disciplines into my daily life in order to keep my depressed, anxious, and suicidal thoughts to manageable levels.

Since these mind hacks work for someone with a severe mental illness, they will work for anyone.