Travel used to be a big deal. We must remember that while we live in a more technologically advanced society; our bodies have yet to adapt to what is commonplace for most people in developed nations.
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Mondays and Thursdays are my best days, but Tuesdays afternoons and Saturday evenings are difficult for me.
February and March are when I feel the very best, but I tend to slip into a mild depression at the end of the lacrosse season in May.
I am more productive in the summer, but I am usually affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder, SAD, in the late fall.
How do I know all this? I tracked my mood twice a day for two years with an app, iMoodJournal. Every week, I reviewed the data and noted low and high days. Then I recalled what happened on those days, and, very slowly, the bigger picture revealed itself to me.
Before I tracked my mood, I assumed that my depressive episodes were sporadic and random. Because of that, I further assumed that they were beyond my control. I felt trapped in a mental “fog of war,” a term that means, “uncertainty regarding one's own capability, adversary capability, and adversary intent during an engagement, operation, or campaign.”
“Can anyone see the enemy?”
It is terrifying, stumbling around in the dark; knowing an enemy lurks nearby. It is even more terrifying when the enemy is your own mind.
After my hospitalization in the fall of 2016, I decided to map my mind as well as I could. iMoodJournal and PocketCBT were tools I used to spy on my internal enemy that was intent on doing me harm.
By identifying the times when depression or anxiety were most likely to launch an assault; I had time to dig a mental foxhole.
I could gather supplies and call in reinforcements. All of this gave me the mental ability to say to my depression and anxiety:
I do not win every battle, but I no longer feel like I’m losing the war. There is immense psychological relief that comes from preparation. Whether that is rehearsing a presentation, doing breathing exercises, or telling your friends, “It’s almost winter, I may need you on some bad days,” you bolster your defenses.
While we cannot control our circumstances, we can control our reaction to them. If we have a good idea of when circumstances will change, we can be prepared and be even more in control of ourselves.
I did not attempt suicide because I was depressed. I tried to end my life because of unbearable shame.
To paraphrase Thomas Joiner, a person’s risk of suicide increases with a corresponding increase in the belief that they are a burden to others and a decrease in perceived belongingness. If a person gains confidence in their ability to self-harm, then the risk of suicide becomes even greater.
You’ll notice that “being sad” is not a variable in his equation for suicide risk. That is because it IS NOT about being sad. We all get sad. We get the blues. We feel down.
Then our friends take us out, or our mother calls and we feel a little better.
Imagine how awful you would feel if you were grieving the loss of someone close to you, and you had no one to talk with. Even worse, you feel compelled to keep your feelings a secret because you do not want to burden other people with your problems.
When someone dies, every culture on Earth has their own process for grieving as an individual and as a community.
When someone gets physically sick, they are cared for by friends, family, and professionals if needed.
When someone is mentally ill, they are ostracized. They are whispered about. They are taken out of public view.
We are social creatures. Our roots are our family, our friends, branches, and our work and interests are the leaves.
Imagine, feeling no pleasure in your work or your favorite hobby… the leaves wither and fall.
Imagine, being compelled by distorted thinking that you cannot tell your friends… the branches become brittle.
Imagine, lying to your closest family members because you cannot bear causing them pain… the roots shrivel.
Eventually, you become a shell of your former self. Standing tall for the world to see, but your supporting structures are gone, and one more storm might take you down for good.
We see this most harshly in our primate relatives because of psychologist Harry Harlow. His experiments are explored in-depth in the book Love at Goon Park: Harry Harlow and the Science of Affection. His most famous experiment was with infant rhesus monkeys confined to a cage with two fake mothers. One mother was made of wire mesh and had a bottle of milk. The other mother had no milk, but was covered in soft fur.
The prevailing idea of the time was that children only needed physical sustenance from their parents to develop into healthy adults. Harlow’s experiments destroyed that idea because the young monkeys spent nearly all their time cuddling the soft mother with no milk, and briefly leaving the comforting mommy to climb on the wire mother to drink.
The visual equivalent of the effect of mental illness stigma.
A lesser known experiment by Harlow was known, by him, as The Pit of Despair. This is a truly horrific experiment.
He would take an infant from its mother at birth, and put it in an inverted triangular enclosure. The walls were sloped at an extreme angle so the monkey could never climb out. It grew up in an environment with no parenting or socialization; only food and the slow, cold realization that it could never change it’s circumstances.
This is a striking example of how a primate with no one to talk to, and no way to talk, cowers away from everything.
After a time, the monkey would be placed in an enclosure with many monkeys. They huddled in the corner, cried, and shook themselves.
Forced isolation created an animal that lived entirely in fear. Even worse, the socialized “normal” monkeys picked on the fearful monkey; increasing it’s terror and further decreasing any likelihood that it could ever socialize normally.
This is a compelling example of how badly social primates can be hurt by the inability to talk. I share these pictures because they are revolting. As the viewer, we feel such an outpouring of concern for such a sad and fearful creature.
We can feel this for a rhesus monkey in a cage, but not a human being in the cage of an ill mind. Stigma prevents us, and it prevents those suffering from seeking treatment. Lest they become a burden to those they care about.
So the young boy closes his closest door and loops a belt around his neck.
The father drives to a bridge and jumps.
The teenage girl draws a bath and slits her wrists.
All because they did not believe they could talk to anyone.
When a general returned to Rome following a victorious campaign, he paraded through the city with great pomp and circumstance.
It was customary for a slave gladiator, known as an Auriga, to whisper in the general’s ear: “Memento homo”.
Remember, you are but a man.
I suppose the modern-day corollary would be for the Golden State Warriors to hire someone to whisper in Steph Curry’s ear, “You are only a man,” while he hoists the NBA championship trophy.
It is a sobering statement in moments of victory. A reminder that we all came from dust, and to the dust we shall return. Our victories, our accolades, our possessions - nothing we do or accumulate will follow us in death, and pride, as Proverbs tells us, "goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." While celebrating an accomplishment, it is of immense value to remember that a recent victory does not mean victory in perpetuity.
Today, though, it is fortunately impossible to forcibly compel a fellow human to give you reminders, and it is cumbersome to hire a person to stand next to you all day. However, we have devices that are always nearby and frequently checked. They can be used to remind us to think differently, to consider our choices, and to help us live the life we most want to live.
I like the quote, “Confine Yourself to the Present” by Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. I have it as the first section of my work binder, incorporated into my computer wallpaper, and my good friend Kevin Forrester even turned the quote into a work of art!
Having a reminder that I see multiple times a day, helps me combat my brain’s default mode of negative thinking. I can easily slip into a poor frame of mind, and it takes vigilance to keep my mind in an attitude that helps me live my life in my way.
Whether our devices are slaves to us, or are we slaves to our devices, is a question I will tackle in a different article. For now, I like taking a quote from 1,800 years ago and welding it with 21st century technology to keep me focused in a meaningful way.
If you would like a simple, and stoic wallpaper reminder for your computer or mobile device; you can download mine below.
Mobile Wallpaper
Desktop Wallpaper
I love memes. They’re great fun, and a great delivery system for just about any kind of message. However, there is a darker side to memes that we need to respect, and that is their tendency to reduce complex ideas down to something pithy and memorable.
Leaving us with examples like this sage advice from the 16th President of the United States of America.
Good advice? Absolutely.
Correct attribution? Doubtful.
Memorable? Certainly.
Memes are the hieroglyphics of our age, and I hope someone prints them out and stuffs them in a time capsule because it will leave future archaeologists incredibly confused.
A friend shared this meme with me recently.
As memes go, it’s a pretty good one. Strong typeface font against a stark, black background, and memorable celebrity names.
It packs a punch full of pixels, but I do not agree with the creator’s point.
“So, let me say this really loud so the people in the back of the room can hear me… Sometimes you need to check on those who seem the strongest.”
The tone is remarkably condescending, and I do not care for it.
Even worse, there is no attribution for these quotes. That is one significant downside of memes, you can make anyone say anything and it looks like they said it.
I took the liberty of hunting down these quotes.
I cannot find quotes from his friends that match exactly what the meme states.
I did find this from Ben Stiller, which I felt was pretty close: “His kindness and generosity is what I think of. How kind he was to anyone who wanted to connect with him. And he could not help but be funny all the time.”
Kate Spade’s Father really said:
"The last I talked with her, the night before last, she was happy planning a trip to California to look at colleges. She doted on her daughter."
Anthony Bourdain’s best friend, Eric Ripert:
"He was an exceptional human being, so inspiring and generous. One of the great storytellers of our time who connected with so many.”
Back to how the meme ends, I strongly disagree with the tone of the creator’s point, and I disagree with the proffered advice because it lacks specificity.
“You need to check on…” can mean anything; so it inevitably means nothing. To one person, it might mean text. To another, it might mean to sign commitment papers.
The meme is written to encourage people to reach out to those who may be suffering from mental illness and thinking about suicide. I applaud the objective, but I condemn the effort.
“How are you?”
“I’m fine.” How most conversations will end.
“Do you have a plan to end your life?”
“…”
“I’m worried, are you thinking of ending your life by suicide?”
“…”
“Please, talk to me, I’m here, do you have any plans to hurt yourself?”
“…well, I wouldn’t say a plan, exactly. Well, maybe…” How a specific question can tease out plans.
It took my fictional person three tries to get an answer, and in reality it may take forty tries. But if you are concerned about a loved one’s safety, then it helps to get specific.
Now, I am not about to argue in the negative without providing an example of something better. Here is my take on an improved meme:
What is it that makes us fearful of the unknown? The strange? The other?
It makes sense that most of us are frightened of large predators, poisonous animals, deep bodies of water, and exceptional heights. All of those things could cause us significant bodily harm, or even death.
But why be afraid of another human? We share 99.9% of our DNA with one another! The answer lies in our evolutionary past.
We are naturally fearful of what we cannot see. We descended from hunter-gatherers who assumed that every rustling sound in the bushes indicated the presence of a bigger, badder animal. We did not descend from those that thought, “I’m sure it’s nothing.” Because those humans were eaten.
“Did anyone else hear that?”
Today, most of humanity can reasonably assume that they are not at risk to being lunch for a saber-tooth tiger. The fear of the unseen did not go extinct; it developed into the fear of the unseen in others.
We humans are equally adept at crafting stories and placing blame. As a result we found differences and exploited them to feel safe:
“Dear me… that one thinks he’s Napoleon!”
There is a deep-seated, human reason for calling “other” people names. It allows us to immediately declare that WE are not THEM. As a result, we feel safe, superior, and entitled to take liberties.
When I go off the rails
I hurt my self not you
I curl up in my bed
A snail within the shell
When I am depressed
I don’t rise up off my sofa
Let alone become a danger
Manned with an axe
To chop up you
When my brain is racing
From one thing to the next
I haven’t the space or time
To bother anyone other
So relax
When I’m up
I am creative
Making, painting a must
I become one possessed
But not with you
Stigma wielding man
My juices too precious to waste
On hydrating your prejudice
I have an illness
It is not contagious
And not the all of me
So if you cannot accept
Or treat me with a little respect
Then at the very least
Zip your mouth
Don’t tell me what’s best
Or simply to pull my self together
I am not curtains
And I do not care to be patronised
By your ignorance
Yes I’m talking to you
The uninformed jury
Assuming fear as fact
Remember one day it may
Be your reality too.
- Rachel Blake
Germans became “Krauts”, Japanese became “Japs”, Russians became “Reds”.
Mentally ill becomes “crazy”.
Schizophrenic becomes “dangerous”.
Depression becomes “lazy”.
Anxiety becomes “weak”.
We are wired to be afraid of that which we believe is different. Stigmatizing something or someone is a natural, human activity.
That said, we should feel comfortable relegating that urge to the dust bin of history. We are growing out of our childish understanding of the world. If a child in middle school can comprehend the basics of atomic structure; surely that child can also be taught that .1% is insignificant when compared to 99.9%.
The real question is, will we grow out of the childhood of our species or will we follow our baser instincts?
The Mark of Cain, the branding of a slave, a drunk, or a prostitute, the Roman branding of fugitives, the Puritanical Scarlet Letter. We even have a prophecy in the book of Revelation that only those who bare the Mark of the Beast will be permitted to engage in commerce.
16 And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:
17 And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.
Revelation 13:16-17 King James Version (KJV)
Announcing that in the end times, the stigma of a brand will turn into a positive for those who on the evil side with the Devil, and not having a brand will mark you on the good side with God. It is impossible to escape the deep-rooted, human belief that a permanent mark indicates someone, or something to stay away from.
Upon hearing the word today, you feel the impulse to rear back and guard yourself; lest you receive a similar brand. This fear is so strong that some people have called me and said, “Thank you for talking about this; it is important that we talk more about it today.”
In the back of my mind, I ask: “What is the ‘it’ they are referring to”?
It is a sign of progress that even though most people still do not feel comfortable saying the words mental illness, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and suicide; at least a conversation can happen. Even if the __________________ disorder remains unsaid, that is far better than no one talking about mental illness at all.
This will be a multi-part series where I examine the history of stigma, how mental illness was stigmatized, and ways that you can help excise this blot on human wellness.
For now, I encourage you to donate to the Cure Stigma campaign, run by NAMI at: https://ifundraise.nami.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donate.event&eventID=503
I love routine.
In the morning:
Deep breathing exercises
Stretching in bed
Meditation
Shower and hygiene
Medications
At work:
10AM - Tea break
1PM - Lunch
3PM - Simple stretches
Before bed:
Hot shower or bath
Roll out or stretch
Read until sleepy
It thinks it’s so superior because it uses “electricity”…
Due to my love affair for routine; travel has generally been a disruptive force for my mental well being. Not only am I in an unfamiliar environment, I am also unable to follow my routine exactly. Up until a year ago or so, I struggled when traveling. Building up anxiety until I had an inevitable panic attack during my trip, or not long after returning home.
One of my areas of personal growth has been becoming more mentally flexible. I do not follow the routines I listed to the letter, every day. I tried that, and anytime I missed something I felt like a failure.
Now, I try to hit for five hundred instead of one thousand. That has helped me tremendously when traveling.
I am writing this from my Dad’s office, overlooking the back porch, while listening to a bunch of dogs bark. I woke up this morning, stretched, meditated, cleaned myself up, took my meds, used by sister’s old Keurig to brew a latte. The big change is the manner in which I create my cup of coffee, and in the past I would have allowed that change to bother me.
In other words, I thought I was not performing my routine “right”. Which, when you step back from that observation, you realize it is absurd. I cannot tell you to stop judging yourself; that is part of our nature.
I advise you, as I try to remind myself, that you can judge yourself in a healthier manner. I term this
Discipline - “Train to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.”
Cultivate - “Prepare and use (land) for crops or gardening.”
Dad’s jersey (7) on the left. Mine (13) on the right.
The hard skill is discipline, and the soft skill is cultivation. For too many years I focused exclusively on discipline. Punishing myself for failing to attain the goals I set for myself.
I learned that you cannot have the hard skill without the soft skill. You cannot plant a hard seed in unyielding soil, and expect to find purchase for new roots.
Traveling has become a way for me to practice the soft skill of cultivation. An opportunity to become more flexible. Even the chance to find something new to incorporate into my self-care routines.
So on this day of gratitude. I am grateful for my family, the six dogs at the house, a healthy body, a stable mind, and another day to cultivate discipline in a healthy manner.
This is written at the top of my whiteboard wall in my apartment as a daily reminder.
“The mind can go either direction under stress—toward positive or toward negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by training.” - Frank Herbert
I detest the phrase “mental toughness.” I find it lacking.
It is used to falsely empower both kids and adults with the idea that they must endure whatever they face, regardless of the potential damage to be inflicted upon them. This phrase has also spawned many other, and equally useless, phrases:
“I got this, just keep piling stuff on me.” - Atlas
Life is hard, get a helmet
Be a man (for young boys)
Be more assertive, but don’t be bossy (for young girls)
Tough it out
Suck it up
Deal with it
Other people have it worse
I think we say these things because our grandparents told our parents, our parents told us, and now we, in turn, tell the next generation.
The unsaid part is to continue doing whatever it is you are doing. Don’t think, just do. Don’t take advantage of your brain, the most complicated organ found in any animal species on this planet. Just put your head down, get tough, and you will pull through.
This advice may be practical at certain times in life, but it is by no means a panacea.
I’ve been punched in the face before. Plenty of times in kickboxing. Not once did my instructor tell me, “That’s kickboxing, tough it out.” Instead, he taught me how to move, how to evade, how to counterattack. I would absorb some damage while bobbing and weaving, but I worked to maximize damage against my opponent, while minimizing damage to myself.
What if, instead of “mental toughness,” we taught Mental Agility? The development of a nimble mind that can quickly adapt to changing circumstances using a combination of breath work, body awareness, meditation, mindfulness, journaling and visualization.
If a business organization taught these skills, their workers would be able to adapt to a changing market.
If a sports team were taught these skills, their competitive advantage would increase over other teams.
If a person learned these skills, they can put down the helmet that everyone said is needed to get through life.
I have a plan for workshops geared toward professionals, student-athletes, and individuals. At these workshops people will learn how the brain works, what the stress response is, how to hack the mind, and how to use their body to influence their mental state for the better.
For my permanent recovery from mental illness, I only use what works. I’ve done the research, read the studies, and integrated many different disciplines into my daily life in order to keep my depressed, anxious, and suicidal thoughts to manageable levels.
Since these mind hacks work for someone with a severe mental illness, they will work for anyone.
The assumption is that someone with depression is barely functional. Really, though, that is one, very far end of the spectrum of symptoms.
To further confuse things, while I am a depressive, I do not meet the clinical definition of depression when I take medication and use positive coping strategies. This is the trouble with an illness that does not have definitive blood tests, scans, or other medical identifiers. A depression diagnosis relies on a person remembering how they have felt within the last few weeks.
Self-reporting has it’s limitations, and, as a result, so does accurate diagnosis of mental illness.
The physical illness equivalent would be if my doctor diagnosed a brain tumor using only my explanations of how I perceived my symptoms. See how that could be a problem for obtaining an accurate diagnosis? What I tell the doctor might indicate the presence of a tumor, but my descriptions are hardly definitive.
“We’re all mad here.”
The invisibility of mental illness creates grey area, and grey area makes it difficult to pinpoint the cause. For much of my teenage years, figuring out why I felt so awful was like trying to find a black cat in a dark room. Sure, I eventually found it, but for much of the time I was equally concerned that there was no cat.
The Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM-5, lists criteria for medical professionals to diagnose major depressive disorder (also known as clinical depression).
“The individual must be experiencing five or more symptoms during the same 2-week period and at least one of the symptoms should be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.”
Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.
Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).
Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.
Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.
Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.
“To receive a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms must cause the individual clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The symptoms must also not be a result of substance abuse or another medical condition.”
Here’s the problem, someone could have 1) depressed mood, and 5) fatigue nearly ever day, and not meet the definition of major depressive disorder! Conversely, someone could have a little bit of all of these, and not feel “significantly hampered”. In those cases, we move away from major depressive disorder, and into the realm of dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder. Good therapists and psychiatrists can read between the lines, and know that the DSM-5, like a rulebook in a sport, is a useful guide for cataloging symptoms, and not infallible instructions from a book of holy scripture.
Feel lost yet? Don’t worry, the human brain has more connections between neurons than stars in the observable universe. Understanding the complex ways in which the mind can short-circuit is no easy task.
To aid in your understanding, below you will find one of the best lectures I have ever heard on the physiological causes of depression, and the havoc that depression wrecks on the body. Dr. Robert Sapolsky, aside from being an expert on stress, is a master of weaving scientific studies with humorous anecdotes to make for a truly lively learning experience.
Life on the 7th Shelf is my way of sharing how a person can live well with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.
The 7th Shelf was written by Dante in The Inferno, as the Wood of the Suicides.
For me, living on the 7th shelf is challenging but I have found my means for winning the daily battle against the worst my mind can throw at me.
We aim to create a space of hope, filled with resources, information, tools, and more for mental health awareness and suicide prevention. We’re committed to Gordon’s vision of sharing different methods of thinking to help those with and without mental illness live more fulfilling lives.
Contact us
corsetti007@me.com
Call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for help. In an emergency, please call 911.
If you or someone you know is seeking help for mental health concerns, visit the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) website, or call 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).
For confidential treatment referrals, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357).
